


It's Retribution Rafael

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 02:45:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10912710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Everything has finally started to go well for Rafael at work and in his personal life, but what happens when all of that is put into jeopardy?Follows Rafael throughout season 17. Went high on the ratings for themes. Minimal to no graphic content, mostly implied.





	It's Retribution Rafael

**Author's Note:**

> It feels likes it has been so long! Probably causd it has haha. So this was something new for me, I wrote it in only a week or two lol. For once i finished something in a timely manner. Its based off of my own created character and my favorite character Rafael Barba on SVU. I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you all enjoy and please comment. I love comments :)

Rafael Barba sat in the dark room, his head buried in his hands. His dark hair was a mess from nervously running his fingers through it. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have let this happen to her? In the bed, she was pale as a ghost, her skin cold like a sheet of ice. She looked peaceful when he saw past all the tubes and needles attached to her body, keeping her alive. Her leg was casted, her head bandaged, her arm enclosed in a sling, and a collar on her neck to stabilize her spine. There was an endotracheal tube still hooked up to the ventilator that was breathing for her. A hand on his shoulder jolted him out of his thoughts, "Barba, are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?" he snapped, immediately feeling bad, "None of this is okay Liv," his tone softened. She was quiet, just listening to him, "How could this happen," he whispered to himself. 

.....................................................................................................................

Earlier that Year

"You have in front of you the charges of reckless endangerment in the first degree or criminally negligent homicide," Rafael said to the Grand Jury. He was about to have them vote to indict the three police officers who had shot Terrence Reynolds when a male juror raised his hand, 

"Before we vote, um i-is it possible for us to indict on more serious charges?" he asked. 

Rafael looked up, surprised at the question, "Excuse me?" the counselor asked, unable to mask the shock in his tone. 

"Well, I don't think we're looking at recklessness or negligence, I think we're looking at murder here. Can uh, can we bring a charge like that?" the man clarified. Rafael felt a little bit sick to his stomach, on one hand, City Hall and the DA would ease up on him, but the NYPD was at tensions with him at the moment, and a murder charge, well that would just exacerbate the issue. He looked down before replying to the man, 

"That is," he paused momentarily, trying to gather his thoughts, "Within in your purview, but I would like the Grand Jury to understand that in order to prove manslaughter 1 or above, you have to prove intent. That's a much higher legal standard, requiring an increased level of mens rea. Intent versus negligence," Rafael believed he was doing the right thing in taking this trial, he believed those police officers had been wrong, but this made his life a hell of a lot more complicated. 

"Well I-I'd like you to explain that standard ya know, for manslaughter, murder, whatever. Walk us through everything," the man shrugged, and other jurors seemed to agree. Rafael,thought for a second, before agreeing to the request, 

"I can," he said, beginning to make his way over to the table, "But before I do I'd like to see a show of hands. How many of you would like to see a definition of those charges," he paged through the file looking for the paper he needed as he requested the show of hands. He peeked up and saw a considerable amount of jurors with their hands in the air. It was extremely surprising to him, but if this was where this case was going, so be it. 

Later, while Rafael watched the media onslaught during Counselor Henderson's interview, he sipped at a glass of whisky. He felt uneasy about this whole mess. It felt off, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. 

......................................................................................................................

Rafael was sitting in his office, his laptop open, jotting notes down on a legal pad about an upcoming case. He had a lot of work to do, he would be at the office late all week. His phone buzzed in his pocket, so he pulled it out and smiled as he read the text, 

Text from Carson: 'Hey Rafi, do you need me to get anything when I stop at the store tonight? I'll be waiting for you when you get home ;)'

He quickly typed back, 'Hey cariño, just some more shampoo and another razor I think. Can't wait,' He turned back to his work, trying to finish quickly. He didn't want to be stuck here into the early hours of the morning. Rafael quickly finished the first part of his prep work. Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and Olivia came in, 

"Hey Barba," she said briskly. He looked up and smiled a little, 

"Liv," Rafael said, his voice filled with warmth. He was a bit distracted by the plan that had just popped into his mind for his current case. 

"I need you to get me a warrant," she started to explain. Rafael listened to her explanation of the case and what she needed from him as he wrote down what he needed on the legal pad beside him. 

"Liv, I'm going to need more than that. That is all circumstantial. Get me a pattern, another witness, anything if you want me to prosecute," right as he was telling her this, his phone buzzed again. He couldn't help but smile, imagining what snarky comment Carson was sending him now. Sometimes he wished they weren't so busy. Often the time they spent together was brief, a legal case consuming his time or Carson out of town for away games. "I'll work on that warrant for you, let me just get a hold of a judge," he continued as he picked up his phone. What he saw next chilled him 

Text From Anonymous: 'Better watch your back Counselor Barba, I have a bullet with your name on it.'

Rafael swallowed hard. 

"Barba?" Liv's voice filtered into his awareness. 

"What?" he asked, "You'll have to excuse me, I got distracted for a second," 

"Are you okay?" the detective asked, her brow furrowed, but Rafael just shrugged it off, 

"I'm fine Liv, really. Now get out of here, I have work to do," Liv seemed reluctant to leave, but she listened to him and headed out. Rafael closed his phone, he had a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. The text made him extremely uneasy, but he had heard of other attorneys receiving death threats. It wasn't the biggest of deals, and he would get over it. His phone buzzed once more. 

Text from Carson: 'Hurry home, I got wine'

Rafael felt a little better, his girlfriend's text lightening his mood. He responded, a grin on his face, 'Stop teasing me while I'm at work. I'll see you at home later.' He refocused on what he was supposed to be doing, so he could hopefully make it home later to spend some rare down time with Carson. Wine mixed with his spunky girlfriend promised for a good time. He worked furiously for hours, determined to make an airtight case. He was going to knock this out of the park. 

.....................................................................................................................

It was close to ten when Rafael finally managed to get out of the office. He headed outside, his briefcase in hand, and hailed a cab that took him home. He spent his time in the car working on the warrant Liv needed for her case and ensuring he had the expert witness he needed in court next week. After what seemed like forever, the car pulled over in front of his building and he forked over enough cash to cover the fare plus a tip. He rode the elevator up to their floor, and shrugged his jacket off as he entered the apartment. Carson was sprawled out on the couch, two glasses of red wine already poured, one resting on the coffee table for him. She was clad in his soft, old harvard tee shirt that had a hole in the back of the neck and just a pair of black, lacy panties. Her curly brunette hair was swept up in a bun. He shed his suit jacket and pulled off his dress shoes, trying to get more comfortable. She stood up and sauntered over towards him, pulling him closer with a tug on his tie, her lip meeting his. "Hey," she whispered. 

"Hey," he replied simply, "I'm gonna change quick, I'll be right out," he murmured by her ear, pressing his lips against her neck at her pulse point. "You look gorgeous as always," he added as he headed back to their bedroom, pulling off his suspenders and tie. He looked up as her arms wrapped around his waist from behind. 

"Here, let me help you with that," Carson's voice was sultry and warm by his ear. 

"So impatient," he said with a laugh, as she started to unhook his belt and unbutton his pants. He unhooked each of the buttons on his shirt. She sucked on his neck as she worked his pants down his thighs and got a hand on the growing bulge in his boxers. 

"I've been waiting for you all day," she whispered, 

"Lies," he countered, already breathless, "You had practice today," He was able to shrug his shirt off. 

"I was pretty distracted," she fired back, 

"So you tried to distract me too," he whispered with a lusty grin.

"Maybe I did," she softly said as she pressed a kiss against his lips and pulled him into bed with her. They were interrupted when his phone started to vibrate on the nightstand. "Mmm, no don't answer," she whispered, grabbing him and pulling him closer as he started to grab for it,

"Carson, shit, I have to answer. What if it's Liv?" he whispered. She pulled him in, capturing his lips once more and wrapping her legs around his waist,

"Rafi," she whispered, "It won't be long before you can answer," Rafael gave in, leaving the phone until after they finished. She leaned into his arms, their skin sticking together with sweat as he grabbed his phone from the table. Carson stroked a hand across his stomach. Rafael scrolled through his phone, seeing a voicemail left for him. He opened the message, stroking Carson's hair with his free hand. The low voice was ominous as the message began to play: 

"ADA Barba, I would love to watch the life fade from your eyes, you lying in a pool of your own blood, a slug from my gun buried deep into your brain. See you around," Rafael stiffened at the message. He wiped at his face, and locked the screen, 

"Hey, you okay?" Carson murmured, he didn't answer right away, pressing a kiss against her temple, "Rafi?" 

"Fine mi amor, I feel great thanks to you, just a wrong number," he finally whispered. 

"You want some wine?" she whispered, sucking on his earlobe. 

"Yeah sure," he whispered back. He felt a bit nauseous. A second threat in one day. He didn't want to worry anyone though. He would be fine he told himself, everything would be fine. Carson got up, untangling their legs, and pulled on his dress shirt and her black panties. His phone began to ring again as she was returning. He mouthed a thank you to her as he answered and took the glass,"Barba," he said, 

"Hey Barba, it's Liv, I've got a vic here and a man in custody. I'm gonna need you down at the precinct," the detective's voice was tired. 

"Of course you will, what else is new?" he replied, some humor in his voice, "I'll be there in fifteen, and you better have something solid for me to go on," He hung up the phone, and sighed as he climbed out of bed. He downed the glass of wine before pulling on his boxers and pair of dress pants with a polo shirt and a jacket. He kissed Carson, apologizing for bailing out on their evening before heading out the door, briefcase in hand. 

......................................................................................................................

"So remind me again what the reason was for you dragging me here in the middle of the night," Rafael remarked as he approached the detectives. He took a sip of his coffee, and listened to their explanation of the case, "So let me get this straight, you want me to agree to prosecute a case that has more holes than swiss cheese, Liv, c'mon, I'm gonna need much more than that. I do however have that warrant you asked for earlier," he pulled out the warrant he had picked up on his way to the precinct. 

"Barba, we're working on establishing a pattern, but we need to move quickly. We can't hold him here for long," Liv replied, obviously hoping he had some answer for their dilemma. Rafael knew they had a point, the man had a lot of money, he could leave the country easily, 

"You're positive this is going to pan out?" he asked Liv, already making starting to contact people on his phone. She nodded, "Take him into custody, I don't want him on a jet and across the world. I'll take him in for arraignment as quickly as possible. In the meantime, get more evidence. I can't just go on this," 

"Will do Barba, and thank you for the warrant, I'll get Finn and Carisi right on that," Liv said smiling. Rafael just shook his head, Benson drove him nuts. He finished scheduling the arraignment and took another sip of his coffee. When his phone buzzed, he almost didn't want to open it. The texts and calls he had been getting made him anxious a bit. He opened the phone and sure enough it was another chilling message waiting for him. "Hey, Barba?" it was Liv's voice pulling him from his thoughts, "Barba?" 

"What? Sorry," he softly replied, trying to shake the feeling. 

"I've seen you with that look on your face twice in the past day or so, what's going on?" Liv asked him.

"Nothing, nothing, it's fine, I just, I'll be right back. I have to take this call," Rafael replied as his phone started ringing again. He recognized this number as the judge he had contacted about the arraignment. He headed to Olivia's office and shut the door. After taking the phone call, he tried to calm down a bit. 

......................................................................................................................

When he got home, Carson was curled up in their bed. Rafael quickly stripped down to his boxers and set his briefcase down by the bed. He set an alarm on his phone, and quietly climbed into bed next to her. She stirred slightly and drowsily murmured, "Rafi?" 

"Yeah it's me cariño, I love you," he whispered, kissing her cheek. He wrapped an arm around her waist, "I'm gonna need a lot of coffee tomorrow," he added. 

"Mhmm," she sighed, "You have time for breakfast tomorrow?" Rafael kissed the back of her neck, and shut his eyes, 

"I'll take you out for breakfast," he mumbled against her hair, "Thank you for understanding," he whispered. 

"Of course," 

.....................................................................................................................

"Fantastic, I'll subpoena the priest to a grand jury and we'll indict Wilson," Rafael said with a grin, "Nice job on this one Liv," She smiled at him, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have other places to be," he started out of the room, 

"Barba! What about the warrant for the other case?" she called after him. He sighed, 

"Liv I told you there isn't enough-" Rafael started to say, 

"That's why I need the warrant," she interrupted, "She was raped, and he did it, I need to search his apartment. Look, he was in the area at the time of crime, he owns the same type of gun that the victim was shot with. We need the gun to run ballistics,"

"You're not going to let me leave are you," he asked tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Get me another victim, and I'll think about getting you that warrant. No judge is going to want to go against a police officer, I need as much evidence as I can get," he called over his shoulder, heading out of the precinct. His phone buzzed in his pocket, filling him with dread once again. He had to check incase it was something important, but he didn't want to see another message. There had been dozens of them since the Reynolds case, and he hated it. Rafael straightened his suit jacket, as he climbed in a cab and asked the driver to take him back to his office. Carson was supposed to meet him for lunch there. He pulled his phone out and sure enough there was another graphic description of ending his life. On the end was tacked a short sentence that caught his attention: 

'Resign from the D.A. Office or there will be consequences'

He tiredly shut his phone, trying to decide what to do. He didn't think this person could really get to him. The threats seemed shallow, just someone trying to bully him into doing their will. He wouldn't bend for someone, his job was to get justice for people, and he'd be damned if he didn't try his hardest at that. He could transfer, but he didn't want to do that to Carson. His phone started to ring once more so he picked it up, 

"Rafi," her voice was really shaky. His stomach immediately dropped, 

"Carson?" he asked, slight panic to his tone, she never sounded like this, "Amor, what's going on? Are you okay?" He could hear some commotion on the other side of the line, and she whimpered a little bit, 

"I-ow, I'm gonna be a bit late for our lunch date," she tried to joke a little. Rafael felt a little better that she was trying to make light of the situation, "I had a little accident at practice. Shit, they are taking me to the hospital for x-rays. I don't know how bad it is yet," 

"What hospital are you going to?" he asked quickly, "Hey," he whispered to the cabbie, "I'm gonna need you to go somewhere else," 

"New York Presbyterian I think," she replied, she was obviously tearing up, "I-I'm sorry, I think I'm going into a little bit of shock," her voice had broken completely. 

"New York Presbyterian," he said to the cab driver, "Hey, Carson, it's okay, breathe alright? I'll be there right away," 

"You'll bring lunch?" she asked softly, "I don't want to miss our date," she was still crying, and he felt like throwing up, but he put on a brave face for her. 

"Yes, I'll bring lunch," he said with a laugh, "How are you a professional athlete again? You basically have two left feet," Rafael said, humor laced through his voice, she laughed softly. He smiled at the sound of it, "I'll see you soon okay?" 

"Okay," Carson murmured back. He hung up and took a breath, calming himself down, she was fine, everything was fine. He called in lunch at a restaurant not far from the hospital, and grabbed the food on his way in. He briskly walked up to the desk, 

"I'm looking for my girlfriend. She was just brought in from an ambulance I think," he explained. 

"What's her name?" the woman asked kindly. 

"Carson Parks," he replied immediately. The woman spent close to five minutes scrolling through her computer before finally answering, 

"Ah, okay. She's upstairs in room 215. I can get someone to take you up there right now if you'd like," 

"Yes I'd like that very much," he replied, shooting a text to Liv, letting her know he wouldn't be in the office until further notice. He followed a man up to her room. He stepped in and there she was, laying in a hospital bed, obviously gorked out on drugs, and her leg was splinted. 

"Carson," he murmured, sighing a bit in relief. He kissed her forehead before sitting down on the chair next to her bed. Her eyes fluttered open moments later, and she smiled at him a little goofy, her eyes glazed over, 

"Raffff," she murmured, "What are you doin here?" 

He laughed a little, "They got you all drugged up huh? I should take video of this," he teased. She glared at him a little. A tall woman in a white coat came into the room to check on her. She shook Rafael's hand, 

"Hello, I'm Dr. Hughes, the head of Orthopedic Surgery. I assume you are her husband?" she said kindly. 

"Rafael Barba, Carson is my girlfriend," he replied. 

"D'you know my boyfriend is a big fancy lawyer?" Carson slurred, laughing a bit. The doctor laughed as well. Rafael turned a bit red as she added, "S'why I hate arguing with him. He uses very big words," 

"Alright Car," he murmured, laughing a bit, "How about we let the doctor talk," he felt like he was speaking to a child, but it was kind of funny how much of a direct opposite this was from her usual behavior. She would joke around with him a lot, but she was never this open, not even when she was drunk. She wouldn't have ever admitted that to his face. 

"So, Carson," Dr. Hughes said, "You really did a number on your leg. You managed to sustain what's called a comminuted fracture of your tibia and fibula at the ankle. That basically means that where your leg connects to your foot, all the bones are in pieces, but tomorrow we can operate when an O.R. becomes available and we'll put a metal plate, screws, and pins in there to stabilize it, and you'll be back on your feet in 6-8 weeks," 

"Sounds good to me," he said with a smile. After Rafael ensured they were aware of Carson's allergy to morphine, Doctor Hughes left them with consent forms to sign and take care of which he read through and had Carson sign, "So, cariño," he said, his tone laced with humor as he pulled the chair closer to her bed, "How exactly did this happen?" She seemed tired as she rolled over to face him, 

"Gonna make fun of me," Carson murmured, fighting to keep her eyes open. 

"Will I? This should be priceless then," he retorted.

"See," she exclaimed, "Haven't even started yet and you're being an ass," Rafael raised an eyebrow at her, waiting for the story, "Meg was on a breakaway," she finally said, sounding utterly exhausted, "Took a hard touch towards the corner so I stepped out and stretched towards the ball. My ankle rolled as I dove and the incoming forward and defender fell on it tryin' t'get the rebound," she was almost mumbling at this point. He grabbed her hand, stroking the soft skin with his thumb, 

"I brought lunch if you still want it," he softly said. She smiled a little, trying to push herself into a sitting position, but struggling. Even slight movement was a bit painful on her leg, so Rafael helped her get situated and pulled the tray over in front of her. They enjoyed lunch together before she fell asleep once more. Rafael shed his suit jacket before pulling out a legal pad from his brief case and his laptop and starting to work on a case while she slept. His phone started to ring and he quickly answered it, "Barba," he softly said. 

"Counselor," a low voice greeted, "Take heed of these warnings before we are forced to escalate to action," and then the person hung up. Rafael shut his eyes for a second. He didn't want to deal with this anymore, it made him feel sick, but there was no way he was going to waste police resources on something like this. He returned to his work. Carson was out like a light for the rest of the day. Rafael got loads of work done, calling in warrants with judges and prepping for cases. After he had finished most of his work, he sat there and just watched her as she slept. She was so gorgeous, he still couldn't believe she loved him. His eyes suddenly felt pretty heavy, and he fought to keep them open. Finally he succumbed to the darkness, drifting off into a light slumber. 

He was jolted awake by the sound of her voice. It sounded strained, soft. "Rafi," she groaned. He opened his eyes, immediately frantically trying to see if she was okay. She was glistening with sweat, her skin kind of pale and greyish. Her lips had a blueish tint to them.

"Mi vida? Are you okay?" he asked, but she didn't really answer. She seemed confused, a bit disoriented, "Carson," she looked at him, but it was almost like she looked right through him. He hit the nurse call button, and a young woman clad in blue scrubs ran into the room. "Help, I can't lose her," he pleaded with the nurse. The woman took Carson's pulse and seemed a bit concerned. 

"Damn it," she muttered, "Shock, we must have missed it when she came in," The nurse lowered her bed down to flat and covered her with another blanket before disappearing to go get some supplies. While she was gone, Carson started to violently shiver, and her breathing grew erratic. Rafael didn't really know what to do. He was terrified, frozen in place. This was going to be a long night. 

Almost an hour later, Carson was settled and stable. She was awake, lucid, and talking to him, "Was I really that bad?" she whined, "Please tell me I wasn't," 

Rafael laughed, "Carson, you were telling the doctor about how I'm a big fancy lawyer who uses big words," he replied. She turned red. 

"Damn it, I hate drugs," Carson griped. She sighed a little dejectedly, "I was gonna tell you this later, but it doesn't really matter anymore," she murmured. He looked up at her, waiting for her to continue, "I got a call this morning," she started to say. Rafael's stomach dropped, was she getting threats too? "It was my agent. He said the National team contacted him and wanted me to come and play a bit with them at practice, but that's shot now that I totally mangled my ankle," 

"Carson! That's fantastic though. I'm sure they'll want to take a look at you after you heal up. They are interested for a reason," He lowered the railing on the bed and sat down on the edge, wrapping her in a hug, "I'm so proud of you cariño," he murmured, his lips pressed against her hair. "Please stop scaring me like this," he whispered a few seconds later, "I love you so much, and I can't imagine my life without you," 

"Love you too Raf," she murmured back, leaning into his arms. 

.....................................................................................................................

He got her home late two days later, her ankle booted and instructed to remain off her foot for over a month. He opened the door for her, carrying their things, "Got it?" he asked softly. 

"I'm not fucking crippled," she snapped. Rafael ignored her angry outburst, she had been cranky all day, and he knew not to take it personally. She had been unable to sleep in the hospital, and her pain had been through the roof. 

"Mi Amor," he said softly, walking into their bedroom where she had flopped down on the bed and shut her eyes, "I have to go to work soon. Is there anything you need me to get?" 

"No, get out of here, run back to your job like always," she spat, turning onto her side. 

"Carson-" he started to say, but she didn't seem interested. That one hurt a little bit. It wasn't like he didn't spend time at home. They were both just busy. She had never indicated it upset her before. 

"Rafael go, go to work. I'll just be here, not like I can do much of anything on my own," her voice was soft and tearful. 

"Cariño," he softly said, "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?" 

"No, just-just go okay," 

Rafael sighed, he kissed her forehead, and whispered back, "Call me if you need anything, I'll be home in a few hours. Liv probably just needs a quick consult and I have to swing by the office," she was silent. He didn't want to leave like this, but he had to go take care of this. He would try to be quick so she wouldn't have to be alone for long. After a few hours of sleep, chances were she'd be so much less irritable. He left, taking one more peek into the bedroom, trying to not let the look on her face cut into him so deeply. She understood how much he loved his job and how he had to go to work now. He didn't want to leave her like that. 

He strolled into the precinct where Liv was waiting outside the interrogation room, "So, what have you got for me?" he asked, looking into the room where Carisi was interrogating a young man. 

"Say where have you been the past few days?" she asked, turning towards the lawyer. 

"Family emergency," he replied flatly, "Now what's going on," 

The detective looked at him curiously before answering, "Perp was arrested on the scene because of screaming heard by the neighbors, woman is at the hospital in the ICU, rape kit is on the way. Pretty cut and dry," 

"Alright," he said, "I'll work on getting an arraignment set up. Walk me through the specifics," 

......................................................................................................................

Rafael hurried up to his office to grab the paperwork he needed and to call the D.A. He was waiting for a message from Liv about the DNA sample, and he needed to work out the details of this case. A victim statement would be helpful, but the woman was in critical care, so that would be a while. He wanted to rush home, to try and make up with Carson right then. He felt awful about how the afternoon had gone. She had been annoyed when he had returned to the hospital with coffee and breakfast the morning before because she hadn't slept well or eaten in a long time in preparation for the surgery. He had promised her lunch when she woke up from the anesthesia later. They had whisked her away around ten a.m. and she was out of surgery a few hours after that. It had gone flawless, and she had been in recovery for a few hours and the P.T. had taught her how to use the crutches later that night. Then that morning, she had been drugged up still, but completely unable to sleep. He had disappeared for a few hours to go and drop off some papers at the office. They had finally discharged her around 4 that afternoon, and it had taken over an hour to get home and get her set up. She was angry, angry she had broken her leg, angry that she couldn't play soccer, angry that she was tired, but also angry that he had gone to work. He didn't know what to say, he had to, he needed to do this for a few hours and then he would be home with her all night. 

He was ripped from his thoughts by a knock on his door. "Come in Carmen!" he called, finishing scribbling down some notes about who he still needed to call. His assistant opened the door a bit, 

"Mr. Barba, there's some mail for you," she said, holding out an envelope. 

"Bring it here," he replied, still focused on the legal pad in his hand. The woman brought it over and set it in front of him on the desk. 

"And Carmen, clear all nonessential meetings tomorrow," he called after her, "Let them know I'll get back to them later this week," she left quickly, leaving him alone once again. He opened up the envelope and then sighed loudly, another threat written in big red letters. He shoved it in the top drawer of his desk, and returned to what he was doing. Suddenly Liv's number was displayed across the screen of his vibrating cell, "Liv, what's up," he asked, distractedly,

"We've got a vic from the Bronx, a hispanic kid, nine maybe ten. Obvious sexual abuse. Signs point to his father," the detective quickly said, "Can you get down here now. I want to keep this guy away from the kid for the time being. I need to figure out how to make this work," Rafael blanched slightly, old memories being unearthed, things he desperately wanted to forget. He finished up what he was doing and headed back to the precinct, dread building up in the pit of his stomach. He strode upstairs, watching as Benson talked to the kid. Rafael could barely watch as they coaxed information out of the boy. They were able to get a DNA sample from the abuser, and Rafael was able to get social services involved pretty quickly. He finally was able to duck out and head home close to eleven. He stopped at a bar on his way, having a glass of scotch to try and calm his nerves. The case had him on edge. Finally he got home, and set his briefcase down in the livingroom. He took a quick shower before climbing into bed next to Carson, clad in just some boxers. Rafael shut his eyes, breathing in the sweet scent of her shampoo, and finally, finally drifting off to sleep. 

......................................................................................................................

The sound of his door opening sent a spike of fear through his body. He squeezed his eyes shut, pretending to be asleep, desperately hoping the man would leave him alone. He didn't like it when his mother wasn't home. The bed dipping down beside him shredded his hopes, he could already smell the heavy scent of booze and cigarettes. Big hands were on him, "Please, no," he pleaded. 

"Shut up boy," the course voice hissed. Hands were all over him and then it was just pain, white, hot pain that made his head spin, heavy weight on top of him, pushing him down into the mattress, and then it was just black, "Rafael?" a voice filtered into his awareness, but he didn't want to wake up and face what had happened. He wanted to pretend it was fine and forget, "Rafael, wake up, it's just a dream," 

Rafael jolted awake, his chest heaving. His eyes stung, unshed tears already in them. He wiped at his sweat soaked face, trying to decompress a little bit. He hadn't had a nightmare like this in forever. Carson's hand was on his shoulder, her thumb rubbing soothing circles into his bicep, "Oh, Rafi," she whispered, pressing her lips against the bare skin of his back. He stood up suddenly and rushed to the bathroom where he vomited for a few minutes before spending twenty minutes dry heaving until finally he was able to stagger back into the bedroom. His skin was glistening with sweat despite the cold weather. He ran a tired hand through his hair as he climbed back under the covers. Carson was sitting up waiting for him, wordlessly cradling his head against her chest, her fingers caressing through his hair and down his back. His hand was clenching and unclenching compulsively as he silently laid in Carson's arms. "Are you okay? What's going on?" she whispered, pressed a kiss to the top of his head. 

He gulped, running a tired hand over his eyes, "It's just this case we picked up earlier. It just reminded me of..." he trailed off. She needed no further explanation. 

"I'm sorry about earlier," Carson whispered, breaking the silence, "I know you had to go to work. I was just tired and upset about everything," 

"No, I'm sorry too. I didn't help the situation," he murmured back. He laid there for hours, just allowing her to comfort him. Rafael had thought this was something he buried years ago, he hadn't had a nightmare since before he had joined on at SVU. 

"Raf, are you going to be okay with this case?" she asked softly, "Maybe you should recuse yourself, someone else can prosecute," 

"No," he immediately replied, "I'd have to explain, I don't want to-I don't want people to know," 

She was quiet for a few minutes, "You know what you can handle," she softly replied, "But remember, none of that was your fault okay?" he nodded, shutting his eyes briefly. He was unsure if more sleep was something he would be getting tonight. 

"I'm okay, Carson, really, it's fine. We've dealt with this, remember? I can go see a therapist if it gets bad again," he assured her. Her hands that gently ran across his skin were soothing. He quietly just started off into space, clinging to her. He felt like such a little kid at times like this, but telling her had been a weight off his chest. She always was there to listen to him and to help him work through his demons. "Mi alma," he murmured, "Te amo," 

"I love you too Rafi," she whispered back. He sat up and pecked her lips, 

"Get some sleep," he whispered, standing up, "I'm gonna have a drink, and then I'll be back in," He headed out to the kitchen and poured some scotch into a tumbler. He sat in the dark living room and drank a few glasses before finally returning to their room. He could tell she had stayed up, waiting for him. He climbed in bed and rolled over to face the wall. Carson wrapped her arms around his waist, being the big spoon as she often did at times like these, and she pressed a kiss onto the back of his neck, 

"G'night Raf," she murmured. He shut his eyes and slowly drifted back to sleep.

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael had been really quiet for over a week, spending most of his time working or sitting at the table, sipping scotch from a tumbler. Carson was concerned for him. He had been having nightmares again, and he didn't like to talk about it much. He had been out a lot, working hard as usual, but he wasn't his usual self when he came home at night. He seemed to have an extra burden on his shoulders. He would come to bed late, smelling of booze, dark bags under his eyes. She knew he hadn't been sleeping well either. He had never been this distant with her before at least not since college. She got a bottle of his favorite scotch from the liquor store and ordered lunch from his favorite takeout place before going to surprise him at work. She was hoping to cheer him up a little. She waited while Carmen went and told Rafael she was there. A woman walked out of Rafael's office who Carson recognized as Olivia Benson. She tried to ignore the slight pang of jealousy. The detective had seen more of her boyfriend than Carson had herself recently. Carmen returned, letting her know she could head on into the office. "Hey Rafi," she said as she peeked her head in the door,

"Hey Car," he replied, smiling at her, "How'd you manage to carry all that on the crutches?" 

"I'm talented," she said, wiggling her eyebrows, "I brought you lunch," Carson said with a grin, setting the bag down on his desk. He stood up and pecked her cheek, smiling like she hadn't seen in awhile, "You seem to be a in a good mood," she observed. 

"It's just Liv," he said shaking his head. Carson clenched her jaw a bit, "She comes up with the most clever ways to catch perps. She's so hardheaded sometimes," it hurt a little bit that the detective could make him smile like that, in a way that she had been unable to do in over a week. She sunk down in the chair across from his desk, trying to relax a little bit, her arms were tired from getting around on crutches for the better part of the day. 

"Here," he murmured, taking the crutches for her and propping them up against the wall. He pulled a chair over next to her, pouring himself some scotch, and her a glass of water, "Thank you for lunch," he whispered with a smile, covering her hand with his own. Carson stayed for close to an hour before Rafael had to get back to work. When he came home that night, he was in a good mood at first, cuddling with her on the couch for close to half an hour before his phone started to ring, and he had a long conversation with one of the detectives. He returned, scowling at his phone, and returned to brooding for most of the night. It was painful to watch, she wanted to fix this, to take his pain away, but she had no idea how. 

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael couldn't shake the bad feeling these threats were giving him. He had received more and more as time passed. His phone would ring, a message left by a burner cell, a text, mail that would show up at his office. They were graphic and disturbing often, and many called for him to step down. His nightmares had returned fullforce for the first time in years, and to make matters worse, he had been bogged down with work recently, limited time to really spend at home. He didn't want to burden Carson with what he was sorting through at the moment either. He wanted to just push through this and hope that he could get over this quickly. The scotch numbed his pain, suppressed the memories he wanted to erase for a short time at least. He was looking forward to the first night in a while that he would be able to go home before eight. He was going to put on some sweatpants and work for a few hours, but he would be home, out of his office and the precinct. It would be a nice change of scenery. He had the trial for the Bronx case coming up soon, and he was determined to nail that one. It hit so many notes on a personal level, he couldn't lose this one. 

Rafael got a cup of coffee on his way into work, swinging by the precinct, and trudging through his work at the office before it was finally five, and he decided he could call it a day. He hailed a cab home and as soon as he was in the door, he went to pull on sweatpants like he had planned. He settled on the couch, his legal pad in hand, the tv running in the background at a low volume. He was jotting down notes, trying to keep track of the evidence and his witnesses and how they would best be presented to the jury. 

Carson had been waiting for him all day, knowing he would be home early. She was going to cheer him up, she hated seeing him like this. Rafael arrived home, in an amicable mood. He didn't seem overjoyed, but he seemed happier than he had been lately. He had kissed her wordlessly before changing into some old college sweatpants and a soft tee shirt. Carson had waited patiently for him to say something, anything. Usually if he had off, he would at least curl up with her on the couch, but instead he was sitting alone on the couch, a glass of scotch beside him, and his legal pad in his hand. She sat down next to him, and he looked up and smiled before looking back down at his work. "Hey," she whispered, squeezing his thigh,

"Hey," he replied simply. She scooted a little closer, but he just kept working. She bit her lip, trying to figure out how to at least rope him into a conversation, that would be a start. 

"So, how was your day?" she asked gently, playing with the loose thread on his pants. 

"It was pretty good," he said distractedly, "Slow. Liv tried to convince me to take a shit case again," he said, smiling to himself. She frowned slightly at the mention of the detective, but she took a breath, she was being ridiculous, "I told her I already had too much to mess with a case that had basically no definitive evidence, but that woman, she badgered me for over an hour. I told her if she can get a pattern, I'd consider it. She drives me fucking crazy," 

"Well I'm glad you had a good day," she whispered, tracing her finger across his hand. She grabbed his legal pad, and scooted up, straddling his hips and pressing kisses against his neck. 

"Hey, woah," he murmured, "Are you sure your leg is okay," he murmured. She gave him a little smile, pulling him in for a real kiss, "Carson, I don't know," he whispered, "I have work-" she cut him off with another kiss. His phone started to ring, so he pulled it out and stilled her, "Barba," he said. 

"Hey Barba, it's Liv. I need some info, can you talk?" she asked. He reached around Carson and grabbed the legal pad, 

"Yeah I can talk, give me one second Liv," he replied, sliding out from under Carson and heading into the kitchen. Carson sat there, a bit stunned at his actions. She felt embarrassed a little that he had just shrugged her off like that, that he didn't even seem like he wanted her. She felt tears prick at her eyes a little, her face reddening. She pushed herself up, grabbing her crutches and heading back to their bedroom. She changed into some pajamas before cleaning her face and brushing her teeth. She sat in bed, scrolling through her phone and trying not to cry. All he could talk about was Olivia, he would rather talk to her, he didn't even pay Carson any attention recently. It hurt. She tried to remind herself about what he was going through right now with the nightmares, with work, but it was not that easy to brush her emotions aside like that. Rafael came back to the bedroom and poked his head in the door, "Hey," he said softly, "Are you okay?" 

"Go away Rafael," she whispered, wiping at her eyes. 

"Cariño, no, no, don't cry," He said softly. She pulled her glasses off, wiping them clean,

"Leave me alone," Carson murmured, setting her glasses down on the night stand and lying down and closing her eyes. He sat down next to her, trying to make this better. 

"Carson," he sighed, "I didn't mean to-" he started to say,

"Go talk to your detective friend, not to me," she interrupted, turning the lights off. 

"Oh come on," he replied, now a little incredulity seeping into his tone, "Now that's not fair," she ignored him, holding in her tears, trying to just get him to go away. "Carson, please just talk to me," 

"Oh," she bursted out, sitting up to face him, "Talk to you?" the tears streamed down her cheeks, "You want me to talk to you. You've barely acknowledged me in over a week Rafi. All you do is work, you come home from work and you drink. I ask you if you are okay, and you brush it off, and then you want me to talk to you. Please just stop okay, leave me alone," Rafael moved closer to her, tentatively reaching for her hand, 

"Amor, I'm sorry," he whispered, "I know I've seemed distant, I'm not trying to ignore you, it's just work and this case have me on edge. I love you, it's not you, I'm having a bit of a rough time," 

"Then why don't you talk to me Rafael, I want to fucking help you, but you refuse to let me," she guided his face so he'd look at her, "Please let me help you," He dropped his gaze to their hands that were intertwined. He sighed, pushing himself up farther on the bed. 

"I can't stop reliving it Carson, he's been gone fifteen years, I haven't seen him in longer, but he still manages to haunt me," he whispered, "And work has been making it worse recently," She wiped her eyes again, "And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I haven't been around. I have been working hard, trying to ignore this, to forget. I'll make it up to you, I promise. I'll take you to lunch next week, I'll try to come home early, leave my work at the office,"

"Stop apologizing," she murmured, kissing his temple, "Lunch sounds great," he wiped at his eyes before pulling her into his arms, "We're gonna get through this," 

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael was finishing up his opening statement for his date in court the next day when there was a knock on his door, "Come in Carmen," he called, taking a sip of his 4th coffee of the day. His assistant poked her head in the door, 

"More mail for you Mr. Barba," he held his hand out for it, already knowing what it before he got it. The plain white envelope was identical to all the other threats. He tiredly opened it. It contained pictures that someone had taken of him. Suddenly his phone rang, so he answered and the familiar voice started to speak, 

"I'm growing tired of being ignored Rafael. This is your last chance," and then it was just a dial tone. Rafael shook his head, tucking the pictures away with all the other notes. He told himself everything would be just fine as long as he watched his back. This was just someone's attempt to bully him into submission and he refused to let them win. If needed, he would enlist the SVU detectives to help him. He trusted them, and Rafael only trusted a select few people. Carson had brought some light back to his life when everything had been dark in college. He had thrown himself into his studies to be a lawyer, ignoring the deep seated problems originating from his childhood. She always managed to pull him to the surface when he began to drown, she gave him hope and the ability to trust once more but then Alex's betrayal shattered every ounce of progress he had made. Now he felt like he could trust no one, not even the police especially considering the threats had begun after police officers were indicted for shooting an unarmed black teenager. He caught a glimpse of the clock and decided to call Carson. He sat there waiting as the phone rang.

He felt bad knowing that he had made her feel dejected recently. He had just been struggling with his own mind. The nightmares lately had been brutal, the worst moments of his childhood being thrown in his face. Just the night before, he had woken up screaming from images of the night his father had beat him half to death and then raped him right there on the floor. He had legitimately thought he was going to die that night at only eight years old. Carson had talked him through his breakdown afterwards, gently just holding him for a few hours. The fact that this had come up again was disturbing to him. 

"Rafi?" her voice yanked him from his thoughts, "Hello?"

"Hey babe," he said softly, "How's your day going?" 

"Pretty good here, not like I can do much though," she replied with a laugh, "Just watching some Netflix. How about you? How are you feeling?" 

"I'm not sure," Rafael whispered tiredly, "I might call someone. The dreams are getting worse and worse. Last night, last night was bad," he trailed off a little. 

"I know," she whispered back, "I know it was bad, but you've done this before Raf, I've watched you do this before. I can look for a therapist if you want," 

"Yeah, I don't know," the lawyer rubbed his eyes a bit, "I just, I need more sleep, or another coffee. I feel so run down," 

"Guapo, I'm sorry," Carson replied, "Maybe you should call off sick tomorrow or come home early, try to sleep," He laughed a bit.

He was legitimately tempted to follow her advice, but he had so many things to do, so many people to meet with, cases, "I like the idea, but I have so many things to do. Maybe Carmen can get me some coffee. I'll get through today and see what happens," he sighed. Suddenly there was a knock on the door, "Come in," he called. Olivia walked in, "I have to go, I'll see you later," he murmured before hanging up, "Liv," he said, smiling at the detective, "Hey Carmen," he called, his assistant poked her head in the door, "Hey get me a coffee please, thanks. Okay, so what can I do for you?" 

"Another coffee Barba?" she asked with a grin, obviously teasing him. He just shook his head at her, "I'm really here about a case. I need you to help me," 

"Okay, one second," Rafael stood up and took the cup from Carmen, "Thanks," he replied simply, sitting down again. He was going to need another one before he headed home, this was going to be long.

.....................................................................................................................

"Gary Munson, what do we know about him?" Rafael asked as he sauntered over to the table, file in hand. All of the detectives had arrived at his office to continue on the case Liv had mentioned the day before.

"C.O. at Rikers for 17 years, never charged, never disciplined, puts in for a lot of OT, a wife and two kids," Liv answered, sitting across from him. He took a seat. 

"His father-in-law is a deputy inspector for Queens South, now the second time Gary fails the police exam, strings get pulled, he makes D.O.C. He's got three complaints in his jacket, nothing's stuck," Dodds added. 

"Nothing ever sticks at Rikers," Rafael replied. Dodds raised his eyebrows but said nothing, "That C.O. union has more power than any place I've ever seen," he added, "Putting that aside, these cases are never easy. Your complainant has twelve arrests?" he asked warily. Her credibility was already shaky and that didn't lend well to a good case. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he ignored it, biting the inside of his lip to try and distract himself from the anxiousness building up inside of him.

"Misdemeanors," Finn piped in, "Drugs, prostitution, my son says she is turning it around," 

"This guy covers his tracks, there's no DNA, no witnesses, vulnerable victims," Dodds commented. Rafael sat back and listened, already trying to formulate how he could use this. Munson would be hard to take down. The union would make it even worse, and he imagined he might be getting more phone calls and texts than he was already dealing with. 

"Look, we really caught a break when Charisse called Ken," Liv said. 

"Did we?" he fired back, "It's still the word of a corrections officer versus a black, single mother with a drug problem and a prison record," the defense would eat him alive if he showed up to court like this. They were going to need more, a lot more which meant more work and less sleep for him. 

"Aright, if he's raping her on the street, how many is he raping on the inside," Dodds pointed out, "Is there any value in having D.O.I. look at him," 

"Don't," Rafael said immediately, "Rikers is where investigations go to die," there had been too many cases that had died out after it was revealed they were looking into a corrections officer, Rafael wouldn't let this end before it had even began. "Violence, rape, assaults, hundreds of allegations, almost no prosecutions," he further explained as he walked over to his desk, 

"Are you saying walk away?" Dodds asked. 

"If a C.O. is having sex with an inmate, forced or not, that's rape," Liv said, still sitting at the table,

"It is," he agreed, "But Rikers, it's like the Lord of the Flies there. If anyone finds out we're investigating him, Munson gets tipped off, and his vics pay," 

"So we're not investigating him," Liv said. Rafael liked where she was going with this. She was often helpful when trying to find ways around predicaments such as this one, "We need the guard's help, we're investigating a trafficking ring with ties to gang members who are involved with female inmates," she clarified. 

"Alright, yeah. Put up a good front," he agreed, "Pick another dozen women who have rotated through Charisse's unit with similar records," They had to establish a pattern here, this had to be airtight to nail Munson. Olivia had her work cut out for her and in turn now, so did he. 

"Charisse said she was raped in the chapel, we should pull the surveillance video from the hallway outside," Finn suggested,

"Plus another six cameras. Hand them a laundry list. With luck they won't realize that Munson is the target," he replied. He looked at his phone as he headed outside of his office after the detective's had left. He sighed in relief, it was just Carson, everything was fine. 

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael listened through the glass as Liv took Charisse's statement. This case was quite possibly the last thing he needed at the moment. Once Dodds turned the audio off, he turned towards the man and said, "So, possible illegal search?" 

"Probable," Dodds replied, adding, "We're checking security cams near the arrest,"

"What about the arresting officers?" he asked with a sigh. 

"Well it's a big surprise, they are not returning our calls, so we're pulling the 61 and the arrest report," Mike added. 

"Hey," Sonny said from behind them. Rafael turned around as the man entered the room, "Lucky break, security cam footage from the Bodega on the corner caught the whole thing," he added. Rafael followed him out to the computer, hoping that finally there would be something he could use here. He wanted to finish this case as quickly as possible. "See, they move right in, nothing indicates probable cause, am I right?" Sonny asked while they finished the video. 

"It doesn't look good," the attorney admitted, 

"And then when Charisse starts filming, they go after her," Mike added. 

"They call that resisting arrest?" Rollins asked, "They didn't even give her a chance to resist," 

"They weren't worried that they were directly in view of a security camera?" Rafael asked, shivering at the boldness of these men, people like this would have been the ones threatening him. 

"What worries me is this can't be a coincidence," Mike said, "She and her boyfriend were targeted as soon as she started cooperating. Munson's trying to intimidate her," 

"Yeah maybe, maybe," Rafael said, "Find out if there is any connection between these five officers and Munson," he knew there didn't really even have to be, police officers stuck together. 

"Or his father-in-law," Mike added. 

"So security cam footage backs up Charisse's story," Liv said, "Man these guys are bold," she added, shaking her head.

"And, they're MIA," Amanda added from the desk, "I put a call into their captain, radio silence," 

"Clearly there's no cause to arrest her," Barba concluded, "I'd feel better if her boyfriend was in holding, what do we know about him?" he asked. 

"Uh Jay Raymond, he's got a record, all for misdemeanor possession, no ties to CPB, he pleaded not guilty last night," Dodds answered.

"Which means he's in Rikers and he's not safe there, neither is Charisse," Liv added as she walked away. Sonny turned towards him, 

"Can you get the charges dropped Barba?" Carisi asked, 

"That's a bad move," he immediately replied, "I don't want anyone thinking that we are looking out for her. Did she make bail?" Rafael asked. Tipping off someone like Munson would be bad for all parties involved. 

"Five grand, no bond," Liv replied from by the board with all the victims names and their connection to the case written out, "Which might as well have been five hundred grand," she said, throwing her arms up. 

"I can get the judge to reduce that," he replied confidently, starting to walk towards the door, "Her defense attorney will go along with it," 

"Hold on," Liv exclaimed. Rafael turned around, "What about these three?" she asked, "Right, they're in Rikers too. If Munson thinks that we're investigating him, they're in trouble," 

"What are they in for?" Rafael asked. 

"LaTanya Franks, CeCe Thornhill, Zahara Letts, they're all in for Class A misdemeanors," Rollins replied. 

"Do not talk to them at Rikers," he instructed as he headed out of the door, "I'll let their defense attorneys know that I'll be asking the judge to reduce their bail as well." He would be spending a lot of time in court because of this case, he could already feel it. 

.....................................................................................................................

"People request a reduction in bail?" the judge asked. He sounded slightly confused. Rafael felt uneasy about this. He had been getting some particularly graphic texts earlier this morning. He really didn't want to seem like he was helping these women right now before they could prove Munson's guilt, but he had no choice, he had to get these women out of harm's way. 

"Actually, we request R.O.R.," he clarified. 

"You are aware this is Miss McCabe's thirteenth arrest, unlucky thirteen?" the judge replied. Her defense attorney answered the question for him, 

"The was no probable cause, my client was the clear victim of police brutality," the man said, already trying to argue Charisse's case. 

"Uh, your honor, approach?" Rafael requested, 

"Please, do," the judge instructed. Rafael walked up to the bench, leaning in closely and lowering his voice, 

"Charisse McCabe is a material witness in an ongoing sex trafficking case against CPB," he explained, hoping the man would take it and grant his request, 

"Alright Mr. Barba," the judge conceded, 

"Thank you your honor," he replied, returning to the table. He managed to get the other women released on R.O.R. as well. He picked up his things, leaving the courtroom afterwards, hoping this wouldn't bite him in the ass later. Guilt began to eat at him as he realized it was going to be late before he could make it home tonight. 

.....................................................................................................................

He sighed, "Pulling all these girl's out of Rikers was a morning well spent," he sarcastically commented as they turned the audio off to the interrogation room. It looked like none of the three women were interested in testifying. 

"We couldn't just leave them in there Barba," Liv argued. He rolled his eyes. This so far had been a colossal waste of time. 

"I can't keep them out forever," he pointed out. 

"But we still have Charisse," she insisted. 

"No, we don't," Finn announced. Rafael turned towards him, his eyes growing wide, "Ken thinks she's AWOL," the man further explain. Rafael looked down, shaking his head slightly. Nothing seemed to want to go right for him right now. 

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael strolled down the street, focused on his phone. He was trying to hurry down to lunch so he could spend some time with his girlfriend. He arrived at his favorite café and headed inside where Carson was waiting at a table for him. "Hey," he murmured, pecking her lips before sitting down across from her, "Sorry I can't stay long, it will be better on Thursday, I promise. I'll have more time," 

"It's okay Rafi," she replied, stroking the back of his hand. They ordered something to share, "So, are you feeling any better?" Carson asked gently, 

"A little I guess. I don't understand why this had to flair up right now. I haven't really even thought about this since, since right after college," Rafael replied, thankfully taking his coffee from the woman. "I'm gonna call the therapist later this week, maybe after this case is over. I have my hands full right now,"

"Yeah, how's that going?" she inquired softly. 

Rafael sighed, taking a sip from his glass, "Uh, I don't know, I can't talk about all of it, but it's really complicated. I'm getting a strong push back from a group of people. I'm gonna have my work cut out for me to win this. Our main witness is entirely unreliable. She tried to skip town on me, but thankfully Liv talked her down, I'm not sure what I would do without her sometimes," She scowled a bit, it was barely noticeable, but he took it into account. The waitress set down their meal in the middle of the table, and Carson took a bit. 

"I hope it goes well Rafi, you need something to smile about," she finally stated, "I can't wait for lunch later this week, you've had to be at the office a lot," Rafael smiled and took her hand, 

"I love you cariño," he murmured, squeezing her thigh gently under the table, "I'll try to be home tonight," he gave her a dark look, one that she recognized. She bit her lip and grinned softly, 

"I'll wait up for you," she said leaning towards him for a kiss. They finished eating, and he kissed her cheek before walking her to a cab, 

"I'll call when I'm leaving baby," he promised, squeezing her hand. Carson smiled hugely at him before climbing in the car and waving goodbye to him. Rafael couldn't wipe the smile from his face. She was what he got up for in the morning, Carson was his sun and his moon. She made his world go around. He started to walk back towards his office when someone slammed into him and he started to swear, hot coffee splashing all over him. "Fuck," he exclaimed. The man apologized profusely for running into him, but Rafael was too busy trying to dab coffee from his suit to really notice. He needed a bathroom. He headed into the nearest store and straight to the restroom where he attempted to rinse the dark liquid from his clothes for close to ten minutes before he abandoned it as a lost cause. He stalked out to the lobby of the store, grumbling under his breath to himself. 

"Sir, can I help you," a man asked from the front desk. Rafael looked up, about to answer no, but he then he realized he was in a jewelry store. It was an impulse, a half baked idea, but he was immediately hooked onto it, 

"Um, actually yes," he replied, "I'm looking for an engagement ring," 

"Right over here sir," 

.....................................................................................................................

"First of all, I'd like to make it clear my client doesn't have to be here," Munson's defense attorney stated. After finding a change of clothes, Rafael had hurried to his meeting with Munson and Counselor Pestrino. Rafael scoffed inaudibly at the statement as he sat down at the table.

"As his union rep, it's against my advice," the second official looking man added. 

"You don't want to be here?" Liv said, "That's fine, we can put him in the holding cell right now in the tombs," she threatened. Rafael looked back at the man to see his answer, 

"No you won't," he replied, shaking his head, "There are courtesies on both sides," 

Rafael raised his eyebrows before replying, "So, courteously, what was your business with Charisse McCabe?" he asked Munson, cutting to the chase. He wanted to make himself perfectly clear here, Munson would not get away with this. 

"Look, Charisse came on to me," the man said, "She was worried about her boyfriend, and-and she wanted to trade sex for a favor and I said no," the corrections officer was obviously lying through his teeth. His story was completely ridiculous, it made Rafael squeeze his hand into a fist under the table. 

"And you had to pull her into an abandoned building to communicate that?" he asked skeptically, unable to mask the sarcasm in his voice. 

"She was wearing a wire right? Why don't you listen to that? I did the right thing, " Munson insisted. 

"The only thing that proves is you knew she was wired," Liv pointed out, poking another hole into his story, "Charisse told us that while you were saying all the right things, you were trying to rape her at gunpoint," Rafael couldn't wait to hear his explanation, not that he didn't basically already know the gist of it. 

"She's just looking for a lawsuit against the city," the union representative replied. 

"We see it time and again at Rikers," the defense lawyer countered, "My client was trying to give this woman the benefit of the doubt," 

"No," Barba simply said, "I'm looking at attempted rape here," 

"So what are we talking about, huh?" the rep asked, "You want him out of D.O.C.? He might be willing to resign if he keeps his pension and full benefits," 

"Seriously?" Liv asked incredulously, "Mr. Munson, you are facing two counts in Manhattan of rape and attempted rape," 

"Not to mention multiple assault charges for female inmates at Rikers island," Rafael added, trying to convey the man's dire position. They were grasping for straws at this point. 

"Rikers?" the lawyer asked, "That's outside your jurisdiction," he commented. 

"If you want to save your family and your union the public humiliation of these charges, here's your chance," Rafael stated, ignoring the man, "You plead guilty to one count of attempted rape, and we won't go after you for these Riker's assaults," Charisse's testimony as the center of his case made him feel uneasy about what the jury would conclude, but unfortunately they saw right through him. 

"So this is just a shakedown," the officer replied. 

"One count?" the lawyer asked, "Gary, he just admitted he doesn't have a case. If he did, he would not have offered that," the man explained. Rafael really didn't want to bring this trial, to go toe to toe with the union, but if that was what it came down to, he was willing to go there. He would do what was necessary. 

"You know what they call my brother C.O.s?" the union rep said, leaning down and looking Rafael in the eyes, obviously trying to intimidate him, "New York's boldest," he simply said. "The D.A.s are going to have to think long and hard before seeking unprovable indictments against my rank and file," Rafael kept a straight face despite the man's obvious threatening tone. He had become more and more used to people trying to intimidate him, and he refused to let it affect his decision making. He would do what was needed whether others liked it or not. 

......................................................................................................................

"Gary Munson on one count of rape in the first degree and one count of attempted rape in the second degree, how do you plead? The judge asked as the arraignment began. 

"Not guilty on both your honor," Munson's defense attorney replied. 

"The people on bail?" he questioned. 

"Remand," Rafael immediately answered. The judge looked up at him, a little surprised, so he continued, "I know that being a C.O. is one of the toughest jobs there is and most of them carry out their duties with dignity and respect. That is why it is essential to send the message that New York City will not tolerate any abuses of power," 

"Mr. Barba," the judge said, a hint of annoyance in his voice, "This is not the time to score political points," he instructed, motioning for Rafael to hurry it along. 

"That being said," Rafael continued, "Gary Munson is not one of the good guys, he is a serial predator who abuses his position to assault female inmates. He has access to D.O.C. databases, including home addresses,"

"Mr. Munson is a dedicated civil servant, 17 years C.O., no record who himself is being victimized by career criminals with an axe to grind. We request that all charges be dropped," Munson's lawyer countered. 

"It is neither the time nor the place Mr. Pestrino," the judge answered, "These are serious allegations, however given the record of the defendant and his ties to the community, I am denying the people's request for remand, bail is set at 200,000 cash or bond," Rafael shook his head slightly. This put a lot of people in danger. He packed up his things preparing to return to his office to get ready for court. 

......................................................................................................................

"Okay, Charisse is not the world's most credible witness, audio and video are subject to different interpretations, did you get anything from his car?" Rafael pointed out as he walked through the precinct with Liv. They needed to get everything together soon. He had been unable to go home like he had promised, being forced to stay late. Carson had sounded disappointed but not angry, so that was a relief. 

"No," she replied, "It was hygenic, he had it detailed the night before," 

"Probably why he didn't want her to get in yesterday," Sonny added. 

"What about, cell phone GPS, his easy pass? Can we put him near her halfway house?" the lawyer questioned, trying to find some proof that would put Munson in the vicinity of Charisse the day she alleged he raped her. 

"He's smarter than he looks, he turns off the GPS to and from work, and he pays cash at tolls," Amanda answered. 

"So, nothing puts him in Charisse's neighborhood?" Rafael asked, hoping there was something the detectives were leaving out. 

"No, we may have something," Dodds said, strolling over to a tv screen with routes across the city in different colors, "Now the red lines are Gary's possible routes to work from his home. Now he should use either the Triborough or the Whitestone bridge to get from the Bronx to Queens," 

"But he doesn't?" Rafael asked, liking where this was going, this was something he could use in court very easily. 

"No, we've got him on bridge cams once a week on Fridays using Macombs Dam Bridge to cross into Manhattan," Rollins explained. 

"Okay and nothing on the street cams?" Olivia asked. Rollins shook her head, 

"No like I said, he's smart. He, he avoids known traffic cams," Amanda replied. 

"Keyword, known," Dodds chimed in, "I called my new friends at Joint Terrorism and caught a break, Charisse's halfway house is two blocks away from a Harlem Mosque,"

"Terrorism, Harlem, Mosque," Finn said, "NYPD doesn't like those three words together," 

"License plate readers, they've had them near a hotspot since 2007," Rafael realized, information starting to come together, 

"That's right," Dodds said, "Now we've found that every Friday morning for five Fridays running, Gary Munson has driven within two blocks of the Mosque and within a hundred years of where Charisse says she was raped," 

"That's not a route, that's a pretzel," Finn commented. 

"There's not a reason on earth to detour through Manhattan from the Bronx to get to Rikers," Dodds concluded. Rafael felt good about this new piece of information, it placed Munson close to the crime and that would at least get him somewhere,

"Good, that's circumstantial, but it's a start, keep digging," he replied. 

"Okay, here's where you might be able to help us, now Munson used a condom with

Charisse last week, but there weren't any in his car, so maybe he uses the same brand at home," Liv added. 

"That might be enough to get me a warrant," Rafael commented, "I'll see if I can find a judge who is willing to go against the C.O. union," this was going to be easier said than done by a long shot. He definitely had his work cut out for him, another long night at the office. The feeling of the ring box in his pocket brought a smile to his face as he took a seat in the cab, he just needed the perfect way to ask. 

......................................................................................................................

Rafael arrived home in the early hours of the morning. He slowly undressed, stuffing the ring box into his briefcase. He sat at the kitchen table, sipping a tumbler of scotch that gave him a nice warm buzz after his third glass. He had a day of court ahead of him tomorrow. Hopefully the grand jury would go along with him. He was slowly building this case up, the evidence piling up against munson. The man's crimes had caught him up. 

"Hey, what are you doing up?" her voice was soft, startling him out of his thoughts. Her hands immediately went to his shoulders, rubbing circles into the muscles, trying to loosen the tight knots. "You seem to be in a brooding mood," 

"I'm okay," he insisted, shutting his eyes, "Mmmm," he murmured as she worked the tension from his frame. 

"Do you need to talk?" Carson insisted, trying to ensure he wasn't bottling up a nightmare, "When did you get home?" 

"Mmm, just a half hour ago," Rafael breathed. 

"Come on back to bed," she suggested, "We can spoon," he downed the rest of his glass before following her to the room. His head hurt from the case, there was so much going on right now. He climbed under the covers, his eyes drooping some. Carson cuddled up beside him, wrapping her arms around his waist, her legs tangling up with his, "Love you," she whispered, 

"Te amo," he murmured back. 

.....................................................................................................................

"Gary Munson came to my apartment every Sunday night. He knew my son was asleep in the next room. He'd lock the door and force me to have sex with him," Leanne Carter said from the stand in front of the Grand Jury. 

"Did you ever report it?" Rafael asked. 

"No, my big sister Della, she's doing a nine month bid in Rikers," the woman explained, "Munson met me when I was visiting, he said if I did him a favor, he'd make sure Della stayed out of trouble," 

"What did you and Della take that to mean?" Rafael tried to clarify. He wanted this to be crystal clear to the jury,

"I thought that if I went along with what Munson wanted, Della wouldn't get strip searched, binged," she replied. 

"Binged?" he asked, slightly confused. 

"Thrown in solitary," she replied, shaking her head, "People die in there," 

Later, Rafael brought Charisse to the stand, "Gary Munson forced me to perform oral sex on him once a week in Rikers, then once a week when I got out. The last two times, he raped me and attempted to rape me," she testified. He felt good about the way this Grand Jury was going so far. If it continued like this, he'd have an indictment for sure,

"But you didn't report any of this to the police until last week?" he asked softly, trying to help the jurors understand the victim's point of view, to demonstrate her fear of Munson and the C.O.s. 

"No, he said I was just a black crack whore and he was a C.O. That nobody would believe me. He said that if I did tell anyone, he'd have me arrested, thrown back in Rikers and he'd let the gangs do whatever they wanted to me," she replied. 

"These attacks, where did they occur?" Rafael asked. 

"Mostly in his car, sometimes at my boyfriend's apartment if Gary knew that he was locked up," Charisse explained. Rafael moved on to his next witness then, the police officer, Orita, who had stood as a look out for Munson. 

"How many female inmates did Gary Munson escort into the chapel while you waited outside?" he questioned. He wasn't going to go easy on her. 

"There's six, seven, sometimes more," she replied quietly. She sighed slightly before continuing, "He had his frequent fliers," she offered up. Rafael could tell she didn't really want to be there, "But he'd change it up anytime someone new came in," 

"Did he ever tell you what was going on inside that chapel?" he softly said. 

"No," her voice was quiet, "He didn't have to, but he did make sure me and himself got OT, whether we worked the hours or not," 

"How thoughtful," he sarcastically remarked, "Any night in particular?" 

"Sunday nights," she immediately said, "We'd leave at six, get credit til midnight, like clock work," Finally Rafael called Gary Munson's wife to the stand. 

"Mrs. Munson, would you say your husband is a hard worker?" Barba asked. 

"Yes he is, Gary only thinks of me and his kids. I know he couldn't have done this, he loves me, and we have a healthy sex life," she replied. 

"The Grand Jury has heard allegations that he commited rapes on his way home on Sunday nights," Rafael pointed out, leading her in the direction that would prove Munson's guilt. 

"That's impossible," she immediately stated, "He always calls when he's about to leave work, and he's home twenty minutes later," 

"On a Sunday what time would that be?" the A.D.A. asked, delivering the crushing blow to Munson's claims of innocence. 

"He'd call at ten, home at ten twenty," she replied,

"Was he?" Rafael said, his tone filled with sarcasm, "That's very interesting, here are his time cards for the past seven Sundays that he's worked," he added, laying out the sheets of paper for her and indicating the times, "He's punched out at Midnight," he stated. 

She nodded, "That happens, they get extra time credit when they work a double," she explained. 

"A double...here's footage of one of the C.O. checkout points at Rikers," Rafael replied, turning on the t.v. that was in the room, "Two weeks ago, Sunday night. Can you make out that timestamp?" 

"It says 6:05," After her reply, he fast forwarded until Gary was clearly seen on the

screen, leaving, 

"Do you recognize that man?" Mrs. Munson looked away from the screen so Rafael continued, "Is it your husband?" he asked softly. 

"Our son may have been sick that day," she pointed out, trying to find anything that could mean they were wrong about her husband. 

"Has he been sick a lot?" She looked over at Rafael as he asked the question, "Before you answer I am going to show you footage of the past six Sundays he has worked," he said, driving the nail into the coffin. He started the footage again. Afterwards Rafael was done, he headed out of the courtroom and to the men's restroom where he had to splash some water on his face. The looks he was getting from the union members all week were disconcerting. He needed to call Liv. 

.....................................................................................................................

"Thank you for coming," Rafael said, walking briskly down the hallway of the courthouse to meet Olivia and Dodds as they arrived. 

"What's going on?" Liv asked, concern evident in her voice. 

"My gut is that when the Grand Jury gets back from lunch, they'll return and deliver an indictment on multiple counts of rape and sodomy of both Charisse and Leanne. Each of their stories reinforce the other," Rafael explained. He felt uncomfortable about how this might go down with the Union not to mention the texts and calls that had been plaguing him all year, "Plus the female C.O.'s testimony," he added. 

"Okay, what about Lisa the wife?" Liv asked. 

Rafael sighed, "She honestly believed that she could alibi him. Munson didn't even bother to tell her what she was walking into," he explained, he felt bad for the woman. Liv seemed to feel the same way. 

"Do you need us to pick up Munson?" Dodds asked, still curious as to why they were at the courthouse. 

"He's out on bail," Barba replied, "He surrendered his SIG and passport. He'll be informed of the indictment through his lawyer," he saw the Union rep giving him a look that made him even more uncomfortable. "When the indictment does come down, I'll need you to walk me out of here," he admitted before heading back to where the jury would be shortly. He tiredly rubbed his face, checking his phone. There was one from Carson and of course another death threat. This one was shorter though, it just read, 'I'm warning you Barba. You won't like what happens if you make me follow through with this. I guess I'll be seeing you around,' he shook his head before shooting a text to Carson, letting her know he'd take her out for dinner tonight.

.....................................................................................................................

"These charges are an outrage and an insult to every conscientious corrections officer who puts his or her life on the line everyday," Munson's defense attorney stated to the onslaught of media and officers outside, "Rather than dealing with the rampant dysfunction and gang violence in Rikers, A.D.A. Barba and City Hall are leading a witch hunt based on the implicitly compromised testimony of this city's lowest forms of life," 

Rafael caught the tail end of the man's speech as Liv escorted him out. He felt a little fear creep up inside of him as the Union Rep approached him. He knew he was being overly paranoid, these threats were just someone trying to intimidate him, it was nothing serious, but at the same time he couldn't shake the bad feeling he had. Behind the man, there were dozens of disgruntled officers, so Dodds stepped in front of him a bit, Liv trailing at Rafael's side, closely, 

"You want a war Barba, we'll you've got it!" one man yelled at him. 

"We're going to shut the city down!" Another man exclaimed. 

"Hold on guys, guys," Liv said, trying to speak some reason into these people, "There's really no need for this, everyone's just trying to do their jobs okay, so why don't you step back and let us through," this was exactly why he had called Liv up. These people were out for his blood. 

"You don't know about the day to day reality on Rikers Island," the union rep said to him, "It's all about the inmates, my C.O.s get beat up, jumped," the man continued. Rafael started to try and say something, but the man kept talking, "But you lay a hand on an inmate, they write you up," There were plenty of sounds of agreement from the swarm of men who all had their anger directed in one place, at him. 

"Good luck to you when you need a prisoner to testify," one of the officers threatened. 

"You're looking at a big problem Mr. Barba," It was unbelievable to him that these men had the audacity to try and bully him this way, he sympathized with them, he did, but Munson was a bad apple, and there was no way he could let the man get away with his gross misuse of power. "You're counting on these guys to put their life on the line for you," the man added, "That ain't gonna happen anymore," he stated. 

"Okay," Liv said, trying to diffuse this before it got out of hand, "Mr. Rodriguez, you've said your peace, now guys please let us through," she added, pushing through the swarms of people, "Step back," 

"Hey what happens if we don't?" one man said. Dodds was right there to block any path he had to Rafael,

"Hey just take it easy alright," the detective instructed. Mike and Liv pushed the crowd of corrections officers back to try and make room to get the lawyer down the stairs in one piece. Rafael took a step down before someone said his name from behind him, 

"Barba, you don't know me or who I am, but we know a lot about you. Things people would want to know," the man pushed into his space. Rafael could see the man looked hispanic and was clad in a leather jacket. He took a breath before replying, 

"Is that a threat?" the lawyer asked boldly, trying to scare this idiot off. 

"Threat?" the man said, as Rafael turned to step away from him. The man grabbed his arm and yanked him back around, "No, a threat would be right here, right now, I shove you down these steps, get your skull cracked open, bleeding to death," the lawyer stared at the man, stepping back towards him a little, 

"Right here in front of all these people?" he remarked sarcastically. The man just looked at him so he continued, "Maybe they wouldn't be able to save me, but they sure as hell would catch you. So, amiguito, I'll tell you what," he added, pulling a piece of paper and a pen from his jacket, "You wanna kill a D.A. right here surrounded by all these cops and cameras, spend the rest of your life in prison, here, here's my home address, you come by anytime you want," he challenged, shoving the paper into the man's hand, getting right in his face. He hoped this would shut the man up, and show him he had no chance of intimidating Rafael. He was not to be trifled with. The man smiled a bit before walking away and disappearing into the crowd. Rafael took a breath to calm himself. 

"Hey, everything alright?" Liv asked appearing behind him with Dodds in tow. 

"No, not really," he replied, turning towards her, "Someone just threatened to kill me," These incidents always left him with a bad feeling afterwards and now was no different. He felt like throwing up. 

"What?" Liv exclaimed, alarmed,

"Who was it?" Dodds asked right away. 

"Just a face in the crowd," Rafael replied, swallowing, "Tell the squad to watch their backs, this is the just the beginning," he stated, looking straight at Liv. No one would be getting hurt because of him. 

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael shrugged off his jacket as he walked in the door. He headed back to the bedroom where he pulled off his tie and suspenders before unbuttoning his top few buttons. He wanted to get more comfortable for dinner. He headed toward the bathroom where he figured Carson was. She stood in front of the mirror, finishing her makeup. He grinned, she was wearing a short, strapless, white dress and one converse sneaker. She would be getting her boot off in a week or two thankfully. He kissed the side of her neck, "You look gorgeous," he whispered, by her ear. 

"So the indictment went well then I assume," she teased, putting away her makeup bag, and slowly turning to press her lips against his, 

"Mmhmm," he murmured back. She straightened his jacket, and followed him out to the car. Rafael directed the cab to her favorite restaurant, and she cuddled against his side in the back seat, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders after they managed to jam her crutches in the remaining room. Rafael had the ring box hidden in his jacket pocket, he could barely contain his excitement. "Carson," he whispered, pressing his lips against her forehead, "I love you," she looked a little surprised at his sudden confession, 

"I love you too Rafael," she murmured back, shutting her eyes and breathing in the scent of his cologne, "I'm glad you could find some time for me in your busy schedule Mr. Barba," she teased after a few minutes. He laughed softly. 

"You'll have to make an appointment next time," he teased back. She giggled, reaching to intertwine their hands. 

"I really want some wine," she whispered, "The doctor called, said they aren't sure about something with the PT, it's gonna be a bit yet before I can play," 

"I'm sorry," he replied, "We can get whatever you want. I'm just hungry," He pressed his lips against her forehead again. "You're okay though? Not too much pain or anything right now?" 

"It's okay. I'm not looking forward to the recovery, fair warning, I may be very grumpy," she softly said. Rafael laughed a bit. Finally they were there, and Rafael walked in with her, his arm around her waist. They sat down and he ordered her wine and a scotch for himself. They ate, talking softly, and after Rafael's second glass, he was about ready to ask her. He was going to wait until she ordered desert. Rafael stood up, excusing himself to the bathroom. His hands were shaking a little bit, he splashed a bit of water on his face. He looked in the mirror, 

"You can do this," he whispered to himself. He wasn't usually nervous in court, but Carson could make butterflies explode in his stomach and reduce his cocky attitude to a quivering mess. "I love you," he whispered, "I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no that's too plain. You are my best friend and the love of my life," he shook his head slightly still trying to work out what to say. He headed out of the bathroom, breathing deeply when suddenly his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out, reluctantly. He wanted to just leave the call until tomorrow, but it was probably work, "Barba," it was Liv. He wanted to scream as she told him they needed him down at the office now. He contemplated telling Liv he couldn't make it in, but that was a bad idea. He tiredly headed back to the table, leaning down to catch Carson's lips with his own, "I have to go to fucking work," he whispered, disappointedly. 

"You're leaving?" she asked, sounding upset, "You've been at the office late almost all week Rafi," 

"I know," he replied, "I'll be there for lunch tomorrow okay? I promise, and soon, I'll take like a week off and we can go on vacation, just you and me," 

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then I guess," she whispered, drawing him back in for a kiss goodbye. He walked her to a cab after paying the bill. 

"I love you," he whispered before letting her head home. 

"I love you too Raf, it's okay," she assured him, squeezing his hand. He hailed his own cab, heading towards the precinct for what he figured would turn into an all night shift. 

.....................................................................................................................

"Mr. Barba, as I understand it, the defendant, corrections officer Gary Munson, is already under indictment on nine counts of rape and one count of attempted rape," the presiding judge commented, obviously unsure of why Rafael had the man in arraignment court once again. 

"Yes your honor," he began to explain, "But the Grand Jury has handed up a superseding indictment, adding 15 counts of forcible touching and 28 counts of sodomy. Given the quantity and severity of these additional charges, the people request that Mr. Munson's bail be revoked, and that he be remanded to protective custody in Rikers," Rafael could hear the sighs of disgust from the corrections officers present. He kept a straight face, trying to push the threats out of his mind and away. This is what the person wanted, they wanted to make him scared and nervous, but he wasn't going to let them win. 

"The defendant is not a flight risk," Counselor Pestrino countered, "He's a father of two young children who need him at home as does his wife," 

"Given his strong family and professional ties, I see no need for remand," the judge concluded. Rafael shook his head just the slightest bit, "I will however increase the bail to 500,000 dollars," the man added. At least he got something out of this hearing. He nodded, thinking about how to proceed for a few seconds before heading out of the courtroom. He was drained from the late night, so he headed out to get a coffee to hold him over between the appearances he had to make. 

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael was strolling down the hallway of the courthouse, headed to a motions hearing before he could escape work for his lunch date with Carson. He had the ring tucked into his briefcase. Today he was hopefully going to ask, the night before having been interrupted, again, "Okay Carmen, thank you," he murmured into his phone tiredly, he had to push a bunch of meetings back, again, and Carmen had been a lifesaver with the rescheduling, "No, I'll be at the office in an hour," he added. They needed to talk about the specifics briefly before he could duck out to the restaurant. 

"Mr. Barba," Counselor Pestrino called, strolling over to where Rafael was walking. It didn't escape the A.D.A. that the man was blocking his exit. He hated that that was his first thought. Rafael hung up the phone. 

"Mr. Pestrino," he greeted back. He had to hurry, he didn't really have time to chat. 

"Glad we caught you," the man replied. Rafael turned towards him, "Have a minute?" 

"Uh, oh not really, I'm on my way to a motions hearing, can you schedule an appointment?" he answered, trying to turn and leave, but there was Rodriguez, the union rep, approaching from the other side, 

"This won't take long," the man said. Rafael really felt uncomfortable around him. He looked around, trying to find a way out. He was practically cornered by the two men, the railing behind him.

"Uh," he said nervously, "Your client ready to plead guilty to multiple counts of rape?" it was a little bit of a weak attempt of a joke. The tension in the air was so thick, it could be cut with a knife. 

"Be realistic here," Rodriguez replied, "You don't want to take a corrections officer to trial. You don't want to put yourself through that," the man's tone was slightly threatening. 

"I hope that's not a threat," Rafael replied curtly, 

"It's a reality," the man stated, "My guys already feel like they're under attack," the man avoided his accusation. Rafael just looked at him, these men just wouldn't quit bothering him. 

"I'll tell you what," Pestrino offered, "Two counts of criminal sexual act in the third," Rafael scoffed, 

"So your guy does what, a year and a half?" he couldn't believe these two. 

"These women come onto him, they work him anyway they can," Rodriguez commented, "I've seen it," 

"He's a C.O., they're inmates, they're incapable of consent. It's rape," the A.D.A. insisted incredulously. 

"You really think a jury is gonna look at a bunch of junkies then look at him and believe that?" Rodriguez challenged. 

"Yes, I do," Rafael said, his voice growing low. He was beginning to be annoyed. 

"If these women even testify," Rodriguez continued, "They're low lifes, they miss their own court dates, they're not making yours," 

"Thanks for the advice," Rafael retorted, pushing past the man, he was done listening to this, "Your guy is doing hard time and then he's going on the registry," he called over his shoulder, "It's over," and he strolled away, hurrying to make it to the hearing on time. 

......................................................................................................................

Rafael was riding the elevator downstairs, about to be able to leave to meet Carson. He texted her, Hey, should be able to leave soon, I have to swing by the office quickly to sort something out. See you soon. The elevator dinged, but they weren't all the way down yet, so he started to type something into his calendar. He saw someone get onto the otherwise now empty elevator out of the corner of his eye, but he was focused on what he was doing. 

"Abogado," a familiar hispanic voice said. Rafael looked up, and panic consumed him, it was the man from the courthouse. The man strolled right over to him, pinning him to the wall with his body. Rafael started to see his father, cornering him, and he began to panic slightly. He pinched himself lightly, trying to ground himself from this, "A second late and I would have missed you," the man commented. Rafael peaked over at the control panel of the elevator where the alarm button was. The man moved, blocking his sight line, "That alarm's not gonna help you," he taunted with a laugh,

"What do you want?" Rafael asked, "Who sent you?" 

"Well that's the thing Rafael," the man replied, "You've made so many enemies, you have no way of knowing do you?" Rafael kept his eyes glued on the man, trying to somehow figure out how he was going to get out of here, "Same way you won't hear the bullet that's coming for you," the man stated as the elevator dinged. The door opened thankfully, and the man quickly turned and fled as a group of people started to get on. Rafael immediately hit the alarm button, turning to an officer who was there, 

"I'm a New York City D.A., that man just threatened me," he said, pointing out the younger hispanic man as he ran, "Shut the building down and get that security footage," he instructed, trying to calm his rapid heartbeat. 

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael looked at the screen of the tablet. There he was in the elevator with the man. He was already in a bad mood because he had been forced to bail out on Carson, missing a chance to pop the question once again and starting another fight. He would tell her tonight about the threats, she would understand then. He had basically just told her a work thing came up and after the night before where had been pulled away for basically an all nighter with Liv in the office, she was already slightly peeved. "That's the guy," he softly whispered, Rollins and Carisi there to take his statement. 

"Okay," Rollins replied, "So you said he threatened you twice, when was the first time?" 

"Uh, after the Munson indictments, he stopped me in front of the courthouse and said he could throw me down the stairs and crack open my skull," the lawyer replied, crossing his arms. 

"Why didn't you tell us about that?" Carisi asked, looking slightly mortified as he sat down on the edge of Rafael's desk. 

"I've been getting threats all year," Rafael admitted. This was the first time he had told anyone. 

"All year?" Rollins replied, sounding surprised, "So this may have nothing to do with Rikers, when did the threats start, what kind of threats?" 

Rafael sighed, biting his lip momentarily, "Hang ups, mostly, on my cell, from burners, a few texts," he replied. 

"Okay," Amanda answered, "We're running this through facial recognition," She looked up at Carisi in a way that made Rafael nervous about what she was going to say next. "I'm calling Intel, get you a security detail." He could deal with a security detail, it would be annoying, but he could be okay with that. 

"Is there someone there you trust?" Rafael asked after a second. Amanda turned to look at him, a bit surprised so he continued, "The threats started after I indicted the three cops who shot Terrence Reynolds," He didn't want a security detail that would exacerbate the situation. Carisi stood up, looking over at Rollins who shook her head slightly. 

"I'm calling Benson." she stated. Rafael spun his chair around, sighing. This was going to be made into a huge deal just like he had wanted to avoid. He wanted all of this to go away, to forget, he was good at forgetting.

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael was sitting at the bar, tired, sad, and wanting to go home. He was at the bar for two reasons, the first was that his security detail had understandably wanted to be here, but second more importantly, he was there to celebrate Mike's life. Rafael could barely believe the man was dead. He hadn't even known the detective that long, but the man was smart and kind, and a damn good detective.

"Counselor, just so you know," Carisi said to him, sitting beside the lawyer, "We haven't arrested Heredio yet, but we have units posted on his block," He was glad they at least knew who the hispanic man was. Hopefully this would at least temporarily end the threats he was receiving. 

Rafael grinned at him a little, leaning on the counter, "I'm not worried," he said softly, "Not in here," he lifted his shot glass and tapped it against Carisi's, 

"Cheers," the other main said. Rafael was ready to head home, and see Carson, hopefully it wouldn't be long. 

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael stood next to the detectives, looking in the glass at six men in a lineup. He recognized the man immediately, "Number three," he softly said, a tired tone to his voice. "He looks smaller in there," he observed, pinching his leg a little bit to try and keep himself grounded, to ignore the memories that wanted to flood his mind. 

"They usually do counselor," Rollins replied. Carisi tapped on the glass three times to indicate the suspect. 

"For what it's worth, while he was in holding, he told me he got paid 250 dollars each time he talked to you," the detective offered. 

"250, that's it? I should be offended," Rafael replied with a laugh before asking,"Who paid him?" 

"That he wouldn't say," Sonny answered, "Based on what he did say, threat assessment is gonna keep the security detail on you 24/7," 

Rafael sighed, shaking his head, "Terrific," he murmured. "Still wanna be an A.D.A.?" he asked Carisi. 

"I've been thinking about it," the detective replied. 

"I heard there's an opening in Brooklyn," he offered, he would put in a good word for the man. 

"The thing is counselor," Sonny said, "I took an oath to protect and serve, so I don't want to

leave. Not now anyway, after what happened to Dodds, it's just, it doesn't feel right," the man admitted

"I get it," Rafael softly answered, "In the end, we're all just passing through," he added. "How's

Liv doing?" he finally asked. He knew she had been taking this really hard. 

"She's taking it hard," Carisi answered, just echoing what Rafael already knew. He patted the

man's shoulder on the way out, two officers close behind him as he hailed a cab. At least he could finally head home to try and make up with Carson for this whole mess. He needed to get some flowers and hopefully he could get enough privacy to propose without the security detail sitting there, watching him as he poured his heart out. 

......................................................................................................................

Rafael got in a cab, the two police officers climbing in after him. It stopped at a stand as he asked, and he hopped out and bought a huge bouquet of red roses and a bottle of champagne from the place next door. He finally returned, joking, "I have some groveling to do," The police officers laughed as the cab driver started towards his apartment. He tipped the man extra well for waiting. Rafael led the officers up to their apartment. He opened the door, stopping short as he entered into the living room. It was a mess, there were papers everywhere and a vase had fallen over, glass and soil on the carpet. Rafael set the flowers and champagne down on the counter, pulling his phone out and calling Carson's phone. He looked through the apartment, trying to see if she was anywhere in there. Her phone rang and rang and rang, eventually going to voicemail. He called again, what the fuck was going on? He didn't want to believe what he was coming to suspect. He called again, becoming frantic. 

"Counselor?" one of the officer's called from the living room. Rafael slowly made his way out there, about to ask what was going on when someone answered. 

"Mr. Barba," he froze, it was the voice. A million thoughts raced through his brain, "It seems we have moved past warnings and into action, sit back and enjoy," then a dial tone. Rafael just stared at his phone, he was frozen. Carson, it was all his fault, he needed to get her back, she had to be okay. His phone rang again, he scrambled to answer it. 

"Barba, you need to get down to the station, right now," It was Liv's voice. Rafael felt like he was going to throw up. The officer was over by the couch, looking at what appeared to be blood smeared on his floor. 

"We have to go down to the precinct," he murmured, his voice shaky and trembling. The officers guided him to the car, he was shellshocked, basically unable to even react. He felt numb, icy panic exploding inside of him. The car ride felt like an eternity. Finally, finally it pulled up to the precinct. He prayed to god that when he walked in there, she would be in Liv's office, a little beaten up, bruised but okay. That the people had just tried to scare him, that she wasn't hurt because of him. He practically ran into the office, running a worried hand over his face as Liv gave him a look that wiped away his hope. 

"We had an anonymous tip come in. We found this video, I think you should see it," she said gently, Rafael's eyes pleaded with her and he slowly followed her to the tv across the room. He took a seat, clenching his hands in his lap. She hit play and on screen came a man in a mask, 

"This message is for Barba. I'm sure you've noticed that we are done messing around counselor. You wouldn't listen, so now it's escalated. She's alive for now, we'll be in touch," Then the screen went blank, 

"That's all we've got so far," Liv added gently, pulling up a chair beside him, "You're gonna have to tell me everything you know, starting with who do they have, do you have any idea what that meant?" 

He felt like he was in a daze, he was shutting down, "My girlfriend," he whispered after a few seconds, "Carson, she wasn't there when we got home, the apartment was a mess," 

"Okay, that's good, at least we know what who we're looking for," the detective said, Rafael barely heard her, "Here, Barba, come on, let's go to my office," 

"This is all my fault," he whispered, he couldn't breathe, he could hear his father's voice, berating him, screaming at him, it was all true. He was worthless, he had just lost the best thing in his life. 

"Rafael," it was Liv's voice, he looked at her, the fear evident in his eyes. He followed her into her office.

......................................................................................................................

"Benson!" Rollins called from the main part of the precinct. Liv stood up, heading to the door, "You guys need to come out here," Rafael stood up, rushing out to the tv screen. Liv tried to get in his way, but he pushed past her. The screen showed a dirty, dark basement looking room with the same masked man in front of the camera, at least three or four other guys, and a dirty mattress. Rafael's eyes grew wide as the man began to talk, 

"She's a pretty little thing Barba," the man taunted, the camera panning to show her, on the ground. A hand grabbed Carson's face, forcing her to look at the camera, "Say hi, bitch," her eyes were watery, mascara smeared down her face. Blood was pouring from her nose. She looked dazed. The man leaned down, pressing his lips to hers. Rafael stood up, 

"No," he whispered, "No, no, we have to find her, Liv, please," he was begging. The man pulled away from Carson, trailing a finger down her cheek. She suddenly spit right in his face. Rafael cringed as the man slapped her. Olivia came over to him, grabbing his arm, 

"Here, come on, let's go somewhere else, there is no reason why you should have to watch this," the detective said, Rafael ripped his arm away, 

"No," he insisted vehemently, "I got her into this," he whispered to himself, running a hand through his hair, 

"Rafael," her scream pulled him back to looking at the screen. He had to turn away. He couldn't watch as they ripped her clothes off, as she sobbed, trying to breathe. She was choking on her tears. He knew the helpless, hopeless feeling that was overwhelming her right now. The masked man knelt down in front of her, running a hand through her hair, Rafael felt nauseous. Suddenly, she kneed him in the groin, and he keeled over, groaning. A couple of the other men grabbed her arms and pinned her down. 

"Well where are we?" Rafael asked, "Are you even close to finding her? She needs help," Rafael was desperate, "Well!?" 

"Barba, we have T.A.R.U. on the video feed, we're trying to track her cell phone. The phones you were called on were burners. We're going as fast as we can, okay? Now come on, you shouldn't watch this," Liv grabbed his arm again, trying to lead him to her office, but he yanked away again, sitting down at the table, burying his head in his hands. He was going to throw up. Liv squeezed his shoulder, "I know this is hard," she whispered, "But sitting here, torturing yourself, this is not helping her," Her screaming in the background was making him shake. He could almost feel his father's hands all over him, his memory haunting him and making this whole thing even worse. He could hear the panic in her voice as she begged him to save her, but he couldn't, he couldn't fucking help. He stood up and threw the chair over. 

"Oh my god," he whispered to himself, "No, Carson, no, I can't let this happen," Rafael just paced for a few minutes, trying to avert his attention from the screen. He didn't want to see that, but he couldn't stop watching, he wanted to know, to watch and make sure she wasn't dead at least. This way, he knew she was still alive. Finally the video went quiet except the sound of her choked sobs. The man went over, putting the camera down right by her face, the soft choking sobs ripped Rafael's heart out. The man grabbed a handful of her hair, yanking her head up to face the camera, 

"This right here counselor, it's is your fault," the man said, "It's retribution Rafael, retribution for your past sins. This is your fault, and next time, this will be you. Resign," The camera went dark, but the image of her face, the redness of her eyes, the bruising that was already starting, the blood staining her skin, it was burned into his memory. She looked broken, and he could imagine exactly how she felt. He had felt like that before. 

"Liv," he murmured, "Liv, I'm gonna be sick," 

"Okay, okay, come on," the detective soothed, stroking his hair a little bit, as she helped him over towards a trashcan. Rafael vomited, violently for a few minutes, before wiping his face, 

"Sorry about that," he murmured. The detectives all looked concerned as they stared at him a little. Liv wrapped an arm around his shoulders, guiding him over to a chair and squatting down in front of him. 

"I know this is hard, we are going to do everything we can to find her, but she would want you to take care of yourself okay? So why don't you come over to my place and get some sleep if you can?" the detective said gently. 

"No, no, I want to stay here," he insisted, "I assume you already have a car at my mother's house," 

"Yes we do. At least come in my office, there's a couch. We can get you if anything happens," Liv suggested. After thinking for a few minutes, Rafael gave in and followed her slowly to her office. He sat down on the couch and loosened his tie and suspenders. "Can I get you anything? Carisi and Rollins are tracking down a pillow and a blanket for you," 

Rafael sniffled a little bit, wiping his eyes, "No, thank you though," he murmured. He folded his suit jacket, laying it in a pile with his suspenders and tie with his shoes and belt beside it. He grabbed his brief case, reaching for his phone but he felt the other thing he had stuffed in there for safekeeping, the ring. He pulled it out, staring at the white box, he hadn't had a chance to ask her. The last time he had talked to her, they had a huge fight. "I was gonna ask her to marry me," he said softly to no one really in particular, "Tonight, I was going to ask her to marry me tonight and now..." Liv came and sat next to him, squeezing his shoulder, 

"Hey," she said softly, "We're gonna get her back, it's gonna be okay," Liv was trying to reassure him, but he knew better, 

"You can't promise that, you don't know that Liv," he whispered, shaking his head. He opened the box, looking at the ring. It was a round cut diamond, the setting made it look like a rose, swirling patterns of smaller diamonds all over the the outside of the band. "I bought it after someone spilled coffee on me," he said, laughing a bit, "We were at lunch, and I was thinking as I walked down the road afterwards, not paying attention. This guy ran right into me, splashing coffee everywhere, all over my suit. I ran into a store, to the bathroom, trying to get the coffee out, but I was in a jewelry store. So I just decided to buy it. I've been trying all week to ask, but I keep getting pulled away, and now, now I might not get to ask her Liv," 

"Barba, it's gorgeous, I'm sure she'll love it. We're gonna get her back okay?" the detective insisted. "Why don't you try and get some sleep, I'll wake you up if we get anything. I'm gonna go work on this myself," At that moment, Carisi came in with a blanket and a pillow for Rafael. He took it, thanking them softly before laying down on the couch, and shutting his eyes. He tiredly scrubbed at his face, unbuttoning his shirt some. He didn't honestly expect to get some real sleep, but he would try to humor Olivia. She was right, Carson wouldn't want him sitting there, freaking out. She would want him to be reasonable, so he would try. 

......................................................................................................................

She was screaming, but he couldn't get to her. He was stuck, trapped. He couldn't save her. He was helpless. Then the scene melted into his childhood bedroom. Hands tore at his clothes, suddenly he felt so small, back in his dark room. The sounds of breaking glass outside of his little home in the Bronx. His mother was out, it was just him and his father. The smell of booze consumed his room, "You better behave tonight Rafi," his father's voice was low, course. Rafael squeezed his eyes shut, praying that this would be quick. He gripped his sheets, trying not to cry. His father hated hit when he cried. He couldn't help the soft sobs that escaped him. That earned him a slap to the back of the head as his father shoved his face down into the bed, "I said behave!" he roared, Rafael just sobbed harder. 

Rafael jolted awake, screaming. His skin was sweat soaked, his shirt damp. He sat up, breathing hard, trying to calm down. His whole body was shaking. The door to the office swung open, and he felt his face grow warmer as Liv walked in. He was embarrassed as she came over and sat next to him, "You okay?" she asked softly. Rafael nodded, still trying to relax. 

"Do you have any scotch?" he asked after a few minutes. Liv looked at him for a few seconds, contemplating his request, 

"You can't get super drunk on me," she said, standing up, "I can get you some though," 

"I just need a glass or two," he replied, tiredly, "Something to calm my nerves," He pushed himself up to his feet, "I'm gonna use the restroom," he headed to the bathroom. When Rafael looked at himself in the mirror, he barely recognized himself. His eyes had dark bags under them, his eyes bloodshot and red. He felt sick. He splashed some water on his face. His hands were still shaking. He let himself fall apart for a second, tears streaming down his cheeks, "Why?" he murmured to himself, "What the fuck did I do to deserve all of this? Why," he ran a hand through his hair. The door swung open behind him, so he quickly wiped at his eyes. "Damn it," he murmured to himself, trying to clean his face. 

"You okay Barba?" it was Carisi's voice. Rafael took a breath before turning around, 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he replied, his voice was shaky, and he knew it wasn't really believable. 

"Hey, counselor, there's nothing you could have done. You can't blame yourself for this, don't go down that road," Carisi said, trying to offer some comfort to the man. 

"No," Rafael insisted, running a hand across his face, his eyes brimming with tears again, "No, I could have, and I'm going to do it now. I'm going to fix it," He headed out of the bathroom and back into Liv's office. He grabbed his phone, and dialed the number, "It's Rafael Barba, I'm going to have to tender my resignation," 

.....................................................................................................................

It had been hours since he had called the D.A. After he had made the phone call, he was pretty sure Liv had called the man herself, explaining the situation. He didn't care if he had this job anymore, not if he had Carson back, not if she was okay. He could worry about work later. He could transfer somewhere else. It didn't matter. All he wanted was his girlfriend. He was sitting in Liv's office still, nursing a glass of scotch, thankful for some privacy. He sobbed softly to himself. He wanted to do something, he needed her to be okay. If god forbid she died, he didn't think he could ever forgive himself. His phone began to ring so he pulled it out of his pocket and answered. "Rafi?" it was his mother's voice. 

"Mamí, are you okay?" he asked. He was positive she could hear the tears in his voice. 

"Fine sweetheart, I'm fine. How are you? Why is there a police car outside of my house?" his mother's voice sounded worried. He was unsure if he could say it outloud right now. 

"It's Carson," he said miserably, "Someone took her," he sniffled a little bit, wiping his eyes, "And it has to do with me or my work or something. It's just a precaution, I don't want you to worry," 

"Rafael," he voice was soft, "Why didn't you tell me? You shouldn't be alone right now," 

"I'm fine Mamí, estoy bien," he assured her, taking another sip of scotch. 

"Call me later Rafi, I'm serious, let me know what's going on," she insisted. 

"Okay Mamí," he murmured, "I love you," 

"I love you too Rafi," He hung up, and finished the glass. At least he wasn't shaking anymore. He headed out of the office, and he felt people's eyes on him. 

"Is there a razor or anything around here?" he asked softly, "I also could use some clothes or something," 

Liv came walking over to him and squeezed his shoulder, "Yeah, yeah we can do that. I'll take you to your apartment, CSU should be close to being done. I'm sure we can grab you some clothes and your razor. Are you sure you don't want food or anything?" 

"I'm not hungry," he replied softly, heading back into the office to grab his things. Liv drove him to the apartment, and he grabbed a bag and stuffed a clean suit and shirt in it incase he needed to go anywhere important. He changed into a pair of jeans and sweater and grabbed his jacket before heading back outside, his bag packed with the things he would need overnight. It was still dark out. They headed back to the precinct at Rafael's request. He refused to get a room at a hotel, stay at Liv's house, or go to sleep anymore. He wanted to be there if they found anything. He was beginning to grow hopeless, the man had never promised to not kill her if Rafael resigned, he just implied he would stop after Carson. The detectives seemed to be getting absolutely nowhere, and he was stuck doing absolutely nothing. All he could do was sit there and pray to god that she would somehow make it through this and not hate his guts afterwards. He couldn't lose her, he fucking couldn't. 

......................................................................................................................

Rafael was sitting at the table in the squad room, sipping a coffee. He was so tired, his tears had all dried up, and his head hurt from worrying. He was quickly losing hope, every time something got good for him, bad things started to happen. His childhood had been awful despite how hard his mother had tried to make it nice for him. His father still haunted him. He had gotten a scholarship to Harvard but not long after, anxiety and flashbacks started to bombard him. Carson had been the one to pull him from the hole of depression he had sunk into. He was doing well in Brooklyn and then everything had blown up there so he transferred here. His career was soaring here, and he was ready to marry Carson, but now this had happened. He felt like he was going to throw up again. "Hey, hey we've got something!" Carisi exclaimed from across the room. Rafael stood up, heading over to them as fast as he could. Liv looked at him for a second, 

"I think they found her," she whispered. Rafael's head was spinning, they had to go see, now. 

......................................................................................................................

Rafael was standing in the ER, his heart racing as the the ambulance pulled in. He watched as a gurney was rolled in, his view was obstructed of the person on it, but he knew it was her. Liv had told him they found her on the steps of the courthouse, bloody, broken, half dead. There was a doctor straddling her, doing chest compressions as they rolled her to the trauma room. He raced over there despite Liv trying to stop him. He stared in the window, finally getting a look at her face. She was unconscious. The doctors were desperately working to try and get a pulse. He watched in horror as they shocked her and nothing happened, this was it, he was going to lose her. They shocked her again and he let out a breath, she had a heartbeat. Her face was bruised and bloody, cuts all over. The doctors were shining a light in her eyes, pulling her eyelids up to get a look. "She blew a pupil, page neuro," he heard someone yell. Another doctor came racing down the hallway and into the room. Rafael felt panic exploding inside of him, his whole body was shaking, his chest beginning to hurt. He was going to be sick. "We have a GSW and a possible spinal injury," he heard someone else announce. Liv yanked him away from the window, pulling him over to a chair. He sat with his head in his hands. He couldn't fucking breathe. He stood up as they rushed out of the trauma room and down the hallway. Rafael just paced, his hands clasped above his head. 

"Oh my god," he whispered to himself, "Carson, please, fight, please," It was hours of torture in the waiting room for him, hours where he paced and paced, fighting against the full breakdown that he was close to having. Liv sat patiently with him, bringing him a coffee halfway through the night that he didn't really even touch. Every time a surgeon came out the doors, he felt his heart drop, he was terrified that they would come over and tell him he had lost her, that she was gone. Finally after what seemed like forever, a tall doctor in blue scrubs came out, 

"Mr. Barba?" he asked. Rafael stood up. "Hi, I'm Dr. Shepherd, neurosurgeon on Carson's case," the man said, "We have a lot to talk about, do you want to come with me somewhere more private," Rafael all the sudden couldn't even breath at all. He just nodded, following the man to a conference room. He sat down, the doctor sitting across from him, "Okay Mr. Barba," 

"You can call me Rafael," he replied softly, 

"Ok Rafael, Carson sustained what's called a subdural hematoma, that means that she hit her head very hard and her brain began to bleed. It was acute which means it's a rapid bleed that causes quick deterioration. Without surgery, the increased pressure in her skull would have completely destroyed her neurological functioning. I performed an emergency craniotomy, but at this point it is too early to tell if she's going to even wake up," Rafael clenched his hand under the table, he was choking back tears,

"Okay," he managed to whisper. 

"Also, she had two fractured vertebrae at C6 and C7. The orthopedic surgeon and I both managed to reduce and stabilize the fracture, but again we are unsure of the nerve damage that could be done. We are going to wait and see what happens if she wakes up. She could have lost most to all motor function, or she could have lost none. I wish there was more we could tell you about this," the man said. 

"I-It's okay, thank you," he whispered. 

"I'm going to have our orthopedic surgeon and general surgeon come in and talk to you about Carson's other injuries. If there is any family to call, I would get ahold of them. If she makes it through the next few hours, I will be a lot more optimistic, but right now we are unsure," Rafael shook the man's hand again, softly nodding. He felt entirely numb right now. His whole body was shaking, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. He wiped at his eyes, trying to pull himself together as he waited for the other doctors to come in. At least Carson was alive right now. It was only a few minutes before a woman and another man came in and shook his hand before taking a seat, 

"I'm Dr. Stinson, the orthopedic surgeon and this is Dr. Spencer, her general surgeon," the woman said. "Dr. Shepherd and I were able to stabilize Carson's spine injury as I'm sure he explained to you. She his going to be in a cervical collar for a while to continue to keep that in the right place. As for her other injuries, she sustained three broken ribs which should heal on their own, she fractured her left humerus, so I have that in a cast, and I had to surgically reconstruct and attach an external fixator to her hand. It was crushed. Finally her tibia and fibula were smashed. I understand she was treated here not that long ago for a previous fracture. I reduced it again and she is going to be booted for a while. Thankfully, I think she will make a full recovery. Her hand will likely require extensive surgery, but I am optimistic that she will regain most function at least," Rafael just nodded, all of this was flying over his head. He wished Liv was in here to try and help him understand what was even going on. He turned to the man who was there for whatever else they had to tell him, all he really knew was that she was alive, that was honestly one of the only things he had gleaned from what these people were saying. 

"Mr. Barba, I operated on Carson's lacerated spleen, I sutured the cut, we are hoping that that stops the bleeding, but we are going to need to keep an eye on it. We also had to repair some major muscular damage to her right shoulder, she had a gunshot wound with heavy bleeding as well as multiple stab wounds to her abdomen. We were able to repair all of those. The spleen is what we need to watch closely, otherwise, mainly just flesh wounds," The male doctor said, Spencer, was what he thought the woman had introduced him as. 

"Okay," was all he managed to murmur, 

"We will have someone talk to you more later," the woman said, looking at him sympathetically, "I'm sure you are having trouble processing this right now. She will be out of recovery soon, and I can take you up to see her probably in ten or fifteen minutes," Rafael nodded, standing up, 

"Thank you," he managed to reply, slowly walking back out to where Liv was waiting. 

"Hey," she said gently, "How is she?" 

"Um," he whispered, "They um, they aren't sure if she's going to wake up at all, and if she does, she might be paralyzed," his whole body was shaking. "I need, I need to see her, I think they said they'd take me up there soon, I don't really know," 

"Okay, alright, how about you sit down," she suggested, guiding him to a chair again, "I'm going to get you a warm coffee, you just sit right here okay?" He nodded. Rafael felt so dizzy from everything, so numb. When Liv returned, he gratefully took the coffee, sipping it slowly, anything to distract himself. 

.....................................................................................................................

That brought Rafael back to where he was, sitting next to Carson's bed, waiting, praying that she would open her eyes. Liv sat next to him, running a hand gently across his back, between his shoulder blades, trying to soothe him. He had barely slept since the night she disappeared. His nightmares growing worse and worse. Rafael hated himself, he hated the men that did this, but he hated himself more. "Have, have you found them?" he asked softly. 

"We have DNA now, we are running it. Everyone is working on this okay? The D.A. called, he said that you have your job waiting for you when Carson is better," she explained. 

"Okay, thanks" he whispered, taking the coffee she had brought him. 

"I brought you some food," Liv quietly stated. Rafael was about to refuse it, but he knew Carson would want him to eat, to take care of himself, so he took the bag. It was the first thing he had eaten in forever. He barely tasted it, it felt like ash in his mouth, but he made himself finish. He was silent for a while, just staring at Carson's still form. "Do you really think she would want you to blame yourself like this?" Liv asked, breaking the silence. 

Rafael smiled a little, "No," he said with a small laugh, "No, she wouldn't," When his abuelita had died, it had been Carson who had held him that night when he let himself break down and cry. She had told him over and over again that it hadn't been his fault. She always was yelling at him for his propensity to blame himself. She always set him straight. "She would yell at me right now," he sniffled, wiping his tears away. "I met her in college you know," he murmured, softly stroking Carson's arm. 

"Really?" Liv said, sounding surprised, "Why haven't you brought her around Barba?" she asked, sounding slightly offended. 

"This, this is why I haven't brought her around. I tried to keep my private life private so that if something got hairy, I wouldn't have to worry about my family. Obviously that made such a difference," he whispered. 

"So tell me more about how you met," Liv asked, trying to distract him. He started the story.

.....................................................................................................................

The lecture Rafael was currently being subjected to was mind numbing. His debate professor was bland, his voice monotone. He felt like he could close his eyes and fall asleep right there. He forced himself to continue paying attention despite the blandness of the content. He could debate in his sleep. "Mr. Barba, am I boring you?" Rafael looked at the man, 

"N-no sir," he replied immediately. The man came closer to him, and Rafael shrank back a little. He talked himself through breathing away any panic he felt. He was at school, this was a professor, he wouldn't hurt him, 

"Good, then you won't mind going first next class," the man replied with a grin. Rafael nodded and thankfully was left alone. He heard soft laughter behind him and felt his face grow red. He looked behind him and saw a girl with brunette hair and striking green eyes, laughing. He looked away, trying to hide. He hated feeling embarrassed. He stood up after class, collecting his things. He watched as the girl left the room. She smiled at him slightly on her way past, he just kept his head down and headed back to his dorm room. 

.....................................................................................................................

"Mr. Barba, I'm surprised, this is the first time you've lost," his professor remarked as Rafael gathered up his notes from the debate. He didn't even know what to say. No one had been able to beat him all semester and then that girl, that girl who had been laughing at him, she had just whooped his ass. She had picked apart his argument, piece by piece, obliterating what he had said. He should have gone about it in a different way, he should have prepared more, studied harder. He had failed, he fucked it up, again, just like he did everything else. He just wanted to go home and sleep. Rafael hated failure, he hated when he wasn't able to do something. He was so stupid sometimes. He packed up his bag quickly, discreetly pinching his leg to try and ground himself. He started to walk out of class when someone bumped into his shoulder. He looked over and there she was, she grinned at him, winking as he passed him and headed down the hallway. 

In the library later, Rafael found himself daydreaming as he tried to focus on the textbook he needed to read for his test next week. He couldn't stop remembering her sparkling green eyes, shining with laughter. She had winked at him as she had sauntered out of the classroom. He had been shocked when she had destroyed his argument in less than a half hour. He couldn't help but be impressed by her. She was gorgeous and obviously smart. He found himself giddy before class at the prospect of seeing her again. She intrigued Rafael. For weeks before class, he was nervous, butterflies exploding in his stomach as he waited for her to come in and sit down. She waved at him a few times, but they had never had even a full conversation. 

One week before Christmas break, Rafael was strolling down the hallway, a coffee in one hand, his books in the other. He was distracted, stressing about how to break it to his mother that he didn't want to come home for Christmas, he couldn't go back there, he could see his father. Suddenly he collided with someone, sending books and papers flying everywhere, scalding coffee coating him, "Shit, shit, I am so sorry," he quickly said, squatting down and grabbing papers, trying to hand them to the person. He looked up and his eyes lit up a bit, it was her, and then he realized he had just splashed coffee all over her. "Oh my god, let me help you," he said, gathering up all of her things and trying to wipe some of the coffee away with his sweater sleeve. 

"It's okay," she assured him, taking the papers she had dropped, "Rafael right? We have debate together," 

"Yeah. I am sorry again, especially about your shirt," her once white blouse was soaked with dark coffee, "I-I can pay for that," 

"Oh this, don't worry about it. I'm Carson," she said, grinning at him. 

"Hey," he said, blushing slightly as he bent down to pick up his textbook, "You wouldn't want to get some drinks with me later would you? I'll pay, you know to make up for the shirt," he offered softly. She grinned at him, biting her lip. 

"You're cute," she whispered, scribbling her number on his hand with a pen, "Call me, drinks would be nice," he blushed even harder, but nodded. 

.....................................................................................................................

"She was a force to be reckoned with even back then. We spent Christmas together that year, her parents died in a car crash when she was 19, and me, I didn't want to go home," he finished, "We've basically been together ever since then. She's been there for me throughout everything," Liv was smiling at him, "And now," he whispered, "Now she is going to hate me," 

"Why would you say that?" Liv asked, alarmed. 

"All of this, she's going to have rehab ahead of her for a long time," Rafael said softly, "She might be paralyzed. If she can't play soccer anymore, she's going to be miserable, and I got her into this. She was kidnapped because of me. She broke her leg not that long ago, and she was depressed and angry for weeks, and that I couldn't have even helped that," 

"Barba, she'll understand," Liv assured him, "You didn't want that to happen, and she'll know that," 

"No, you don't understand," he insisted, running a hand through his hair, "The US National team was looking at her, they had invited her to come and practice with them, and she was so excited. I told her after she healed up from breaking her leg, they would still be interested. I don't even know what I'm going to say to her now. She might not even be able to play for the Flash anymore," Liv looked like she was about to answer, but suddenly alarms started blaring. People came sprinting into to the room, 

"She's crashing, Code Blue," someone yelled, smashing a button on the wall before lowering the bed and shoving a hard board beneath her. 

"No," Rafael whispered, "No, no, please," he begged, "You have to save her," he exclaimed, shooting up to his feet. 

"Get him out of here," a Dr. Shepherd ordered as he ran into the room. Liv started to pull him out, "Someone stabilize her head, I don't want any unnecessary movement of the spine," Rafael couldn't breathe at all. He felt like his life was ending. His whole body was shaking, his chest growing tight. 

"Breathe," Liv instructed, but Rafael couldn't, he couldn't. He felt dizzy, his heart beating so loud he could hear it. He collapsed down to his knees, trying to suck in air. He clutched at his chest, he was panicked. "Breathe, Rafael, breathe, come on," 

"Sinus Tach," he heard a doctor yell from in Carson's room, 

"I want check ins every half hour," Dr. Shepherd instructed, "Page me immediately if she begins to go down hill," The doctor came out of the room and saw Rafael. "Hey Wilson," he called, "Get me a paper bag for Mr. Barba please. She's okay, we were able to resuscitate her, she's fine right now," the doctor tried to assure him, but Rafael still felt like he was going to pass out. She had literally just died, the doctors had to shock her back to life, they had to restart her heart. A brown bag was shoved into his hands and the doctor helped him breathe into it. His respirations began to slow down, and he felt himself began to relax. He sat in the hallway for almost a half hour after than, just staring at the ring box that he pulled out of his briefcase. If she died not knowing that he was sorry, if the last thing they had done was fight, he wasn't sure if that was something he could handle. He needed her to wake up so he could get down on his knees and promise her to be better, that he'd take off work for a while, that he loved her, to tell her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. The prospect of her dying without knowing, that tore him apart inside. Rafael needed her to live. 

.....................................................................................................................

Rafael sat in a chair, next to the hospital bed, a legal pad in his lap. He had been helping Liv and the squad with legal advice while he was still out of work. Carson had finally come off the ventilator close to a week before, but she was still in a coma, she still hadn't woken up. Her teammates had been in and out often, his mother had visited, but Rafael could never bring himself to leave the room. He wanted to be there if she died or when she woke up. He refused to leave her. He would get a 10 minute shower and change his clothes, but otherwise he had to be dragged from the room. He slept in the chair next to her bed every night, that is if he got sleep. His nightmares, they were brutal, he lived off coffee and short naps. Liv and the other detectives would bring him food and call him to check in when they had a moment. It was nice to have people to look to. He scribbled a few more notes on the legal pad before setting it down and just looking at her. He couldn't help himself sometimes, he loved her so much. There was a soft knock on the open door that pulled his attention away from her. "Hey you," Liv said with a grin, Rollins and Carisi in tow. They had a bag of take out. 

"Hey guys," he replied smiling, standing up. He got them some chairs, "I'm gonna head down to the bathroom real quick, you guys can stay until I get back?" 

"Yeah, yeah of course, we were gonna stay awhile anyways," Rollins replied. He he had just left when there was a soft sound from the bed. Liv looked up, her eyes wide when Carson's eyes began to flutter open. 

"Hey," Liv said softly, "Look, she's awake, Rollins get the doctor," 

Carson's voice was really raspy and soft, "Where- where am I? Where's Rafi?" 

"You're at the hospital Carson, he'll be right back. He just stepped out for a few seconds," the detective gently explained, "Do you want me to go get him?" 

Her eyes got a bit wide, "No, no, I don't want him to be here, don't," her voice was a little panicked. 

"Woah, woah, okay, alright," Liv replied, trying to get her to calm down a bit. Dr. Shepherd came running into the room after that, and they began to examine her. 

"Hey Liv, I can wait outside for Barba, if you want to stay here with her. She's gonna want someone even if it's not him," Carisi offered. Liv nodded, sitting down right by Carson's bed. Sonny headed out of the room and stood by the door. 

Rafael walked briskly down the hallway back to Carson's room, but he stopped short when he saw Sonny waiting outside for him. He didn't hear any alarms, but there was a lot of commotion going on the in the room. He nervously approached the detective, "What's going on?" he asked, worrying with a piece of fuzz on his sweater. 

"She's awake," the detective said softly, Rafael grinned, trying to push past Carisi so he could go in the room, but the detective blocked his path, "She doesn't, she's not ready to see you right now," 

Rafael's heart fell. He knew this would happen, he just knew. He hated himself for everything, it only made sense that she did too. He couldn't help the tears that threatened to escape, he didn't want to cry anymore, this was probably better anyways. "Can you, can you get my bag from in there? If she changes her mind, I'm going to be in the waiting room. Tell her I'm sorry okay," Sonny nodded, unsure of what to say that would help or comfort the lawyer. He disappeared into the room for a few seconds, returning with the bag. Rafael took it silently and headed down to the waiting room dejectedly. He sat there, staring at the ring box. He needed her to know how sorry he was even if she didn't want to see him. He took out his legal pad, quickly scribbling out a letter to her. 

.....................................................................................................................

Carson's whole body hurt. She had opened her eyes and immediately had been hit with a truck of pain. She heard soft voices talking around her, and now there were a lot of people around her, asking her questions and touching her. She was overwhelmed. There was a man there, talking to her, telling her things that sounded important, but she was too confused to understand. Finally everyone shut up and seemed to comprehend that she didn't really know what was going on. She knew she was in the hospital and she knew Rafael was somewhere outside the room and that was all she really knew. She knew what had happened to her, that she remembered. Rafael had been supposed to meet her for lunch so she had spent all morning getting ready. She had picked out a dress to wear, she was so excited. She had been about to leave when he called and told her that something had come up. Carson had understandably been angry with him, he had promised, he kept promising things and then he'd turn around and tell her that something had come up at work. 

She had moped around the apartment for a bit, waiting for him to come home, it wasn't like there was much for her to do otherwise because of her stupid leg. She had heard the door open, but she thought maybe it had been Rafael, maybe he had ducked out of the office early. Carson had turned around, and it had most certainly not been Rafael. She shuddered even remembering the ordeal. A lot of it was fuzzy. "Hey, Carson," a voice yanked her back to awareness. It was a woman, a detective that she assumed was Olivia Benson. 

"Hi," she replied softly. Her throat hurt, she wanted some water, "You don't think I could get something to drink do you?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I think that's doable," a male detective said from the other side of the room. He left and returned a few minutes later with a glass and a straw. "They said you could have a little bit of water," she sipped it, immediately feeling a little bit better, her mouth was much less dry. 

"I'm Olivia, this is Sonny," the detective said. Carson had been right that it was Benson. She just nodded slightly, "So, how are you feeling?" 

Carson was quiet for a few seconds, "Okay I guess," she whispered, "Can someone please lift the bed up, I can't really see you," Her request was promptly met. She couldn't move almost at all, her right arm was pinned to her side by a sling and the other was immobilized by an external fixator and a cast. The cervical collar on her neck made it so she couldn't barely move her head. 

"Is it okay if we ask you a few questions?" Olivia asked quietly, pulling a chair over closer. Carson softly nodded. "Do you remember what happened?" the detective asked gently. Carson walked through the abduction step by step with Olivia in close to half an hour. She was grateful when they were finished, she didn't really want to think about it anymore. She felt worn down already. 

"Is Rafael okay?" she asked softly. He had already been having a hard time, and everything that had happened recently, she had seen him in times like this before. She knew how low he could get. 

"Um, he's, he's having a rough time. He hasn't left your side until now," Liv replied almost reluctantly, "He blames himself," 

"Is he sleeping well, he wasn't," she trailed off, realizing that Rafael would probably not appreciate it if she shared that. 

"I don't really know Carson, you would have to ask him," the detective answered, looking slightly surprised, "Do you want me to get him? I think he's in the waiting room," 

"No, please, I don't want, no," she insisted, tears starting to stream down her face. 

"He asked me to let you know that he's sorry," Carisi said from where he was sitting. She desperately wanted to wipe the tears from her eyes, but she couldn't.

"Carson," Liv said gently, "Is there anyone you would like me to call?" she sniffled and shook her head, "Okay, alright. I'm going to get this information to our other detectives to help with the investigation," 

"Okay," she whispered softly. Carson shut her eyes, trying to get some sleep. 

.....................................................................................................................

It didn't take Rafael long to finish the letter that he wanted Carisi or Liv to deliver to Carson. It turned out that he caught Liv first when she came down to the waiting room to check on him. "Hey Liv," he said softly. 

"How are you holding up?" she asked softly, handing him a styrofoam box of food. He took it and in turn handed her the folded up piece of paper, 

"I'm, I honestly don't really know. Can you give this to her for me?" he asked. 

"You know, I don't think she's upset with you," Liv replied taking the paper from him, "She just needs some space to cope. I don't think she's quite processed everything yet. She kept asking how you were doing," he laughed a little bit before going quiet and just staring at his shoes. "I'll let you know if she changes her mind. In the meantime, you should probably get some sleep," 

"She's doing okay though?" he asked, picking at a loose string on his sweater. 

"As good as can be expected Barba," the detective assured him. Rafael took a breath, 

"I think I'm just going to stay here," he finally said, pulling out his phone, "How is the investigation going?" 

"Well, we have DNA and Carson's statement. I think we'll be making arrests very soon," Liv explained. He just nodded softly, "Do you think she'll testify?" the detective asked after a few seconds, 

"She's strong. She might not want to, but in the end, I think she'll want to get these guys off the streets, so yeah I think she will," he whispered, "Has anyone explained to her the extent of her injuries yet?" 

"The doctor talked to her a little bit, but she seemed pretty overwhelmed by everyone. I think you should probably talk to her later," Liv eventually responded. 

"That is one of many conversations that I am not looking forward to," Rafael admitted, standing up, 

"At least she's here to have them with," Liv said.

Rafael took a breath and nodded slightly, "I'll be thankful for that every moment of every day," he replied, "Let me know if she wants me, I'm just going to be down here," 

......................................................................................................................

Carson blinked the sleep from her eyes, still feeling drowsy and in a world of pain. She just focused on breathing for a few minutes until it was bearable. "Hey," it was Liv's voice, "Do you want some more water?" 

"Yes please," she whispered, hoarsely. Someone raised the bed height and held the cup in front of her so she could sip the water. 

"Do you feel okay? Can I get you anything else?" the detective asked softly. 

"No, I-I'm okay right now," she whispered back. She was exhausted. Carson missed Rafael's soft, soothing voice, but she didn't want him to see her like this. She didn't want him to look at her like she was broken. 

"Rafael asked me to give you something," Liv said softly, producing a small, folded up piece of legal paper. "I can hold it for you if you'd like to read it," 

"Yeah, I'd like that," Carson replied. The detective held the paper for her and she read it. It broke her heart how many times Rafael apologized for what had happened. Coupled with how much she already knew about the way he thought, it was painfully obvious how much he was beating himself up over this. Shocked, she turned towards the detective, "Does he think I'm mad at him?" she asked, alarmed. Liv didn't answer for a few seconds, but she nodded eventually. Carson felt her eyes fill with tears again. 

"Do you want me to get him?" Olivia asked gently. 

"I don't want him to see me like this, I don't want him to see me broken," she whispered. 

"I think he wants to be in here. He knows Carson, he knows how hurt you are and he wants to be here for you, to help you through this," the detective replied. 

"Okay," she finally said tearfully, she did want to see him, just not like this, "Okay, let him in," 

......................................................................................................................

Rafael took a deep breath before pushing the door open. He walked in the room, and she looked at him, "Hey stranger," he whispered, trying to hold back his tears. He grinned at her smile. 

"Hey Raf," Carson replied. He slowly took a few steps toward her, his nervousness obvious, "Get over here," she said, so he did. He pressed his lips to her forehead, 

"I love you," he whispered, "I love you, and I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry for working so much and not being there for you when you needed me. I'm sorry that you were kidnapped and raped because of me," 

"Shhh, Rafi, calm down okay. There was nothing you could do about this okay," she whispered, "I'm not mad at you, all of that is behind us okay? I'm just glad to see you," 

"Okay," he whispered softly, before asking, "You don't need anything?" Rafael started tucking her blankets under her more, but she shook her head slightly, 

"Just you," she whispered tearfully. He stroked her face a little bit, 

"I need to ask you something," he whispered, "It's pretty important," 

"Okay," she said a little unsurely. Rafael picked up his brief case and dug around in it for a second. He pulled the little box out and dropped down to one knee by her bed after adjusting the controls so she could see him, "Rafi?" she asked, tears starting to fall from her eyes. 

"Carson, you've been here for me every day, you've loved me through the hard times, and you make me a better person. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day, but I do know I want to be with you. I can't imagine my life without you by my side, and I almost lost you. I never want to let go of you again. Will you marry me?" Rafael asked, grinning at her. He looked at her expectantly. She took a few seconds to compose herself before nodding, 

"Of course I'll marry you guapo. It's about time you asked," she murmured. Rafael laughed, standing up and kissing her, "So when do you want to have the wedding?" she asked softly, laughing a little bit. He grinned before joking,

"I don't know cariño, you're gonna have to make an appointment,"

.....................................................................................................................

The End


End file.
